Why Bras Suck

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

As you read through this post, you will notice that I refrain from using the term brassiere.  This is is fact done on purpose, as the term conjures up mental pictures of my half-naked grandmother or any other scantily clad octogenarian.  So, for the sake of my sanity, I’d rather use the more pleasant, shorter term bra.  Sure, I could have opted for other widely-used terms, such as over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, double-barreled slingshot, or flopper stopper, but I’ll stick with bra.

For many years, bras have represented a sort of introduction to the female body for boys across the world.  Little American boys would lock themselves in their rooms or bathrooms—Canadian boys in their little igloos—with the latest Sears catalog’s lingerie section, and proceed to discovering the female body, as well as their very own in the process.  The bra represented a curtain to the unknown.  The birth of a fascination that would last a lifetime.

Today’s generation of young boys do not have the same respect for women because they have skipped this crucial step.  In a fast-paced world of abundant internet pornography and BJ parties, they have avoided paying their dues, thus preventing them from learning to truly appreciate our female counterparts and their form.  However, as much as the bra has represented a sort of rite of passage for so many of us, the fact remains: the bra sucks, and here’s why.

It’s painful. Ahum, at least, that’s what women tell me.  The culprit, in most cases:  the underwire.  But, being the troopers that they are, women are usually willing to live through the pain in the name of fashion.  They do the same for shoes.  Too bad they can’t be more dedicated when it comes to clearing that runway.

It’s dangerous. There have been reports of the underwire in bras being involved in lightning strikes that have caused severe burns and even death.  It’s a wonder that the underwire jockstrap never caught on.  Bras have even been known to cause car accidents!

However, the biggest disappointment when it comes to the bra, is that despite the many years spent improving the bra for women—such as the way it features or enhances their breasts—the fact remains that there have been little to no advancements that have positively impacted men.

For one, the task of removing the bra remains as difficult as it has ever been.  And, as if one hook wasn’t enough to keep a bra fastened, many models have two, or in some cases, even three of them.  Only a magician could get those undone.  Hey ladies, you want to keep your man from snooping in your diary?  Wrap a bra strap around it, he’ll never get to your little secrets.

Just another weekend

Also, the cup size system just doesn’t work.  As far as I’m concerned, the bigger the breasts, the better it is.  Unfortunately, the current cup system is rewarding women for the wrong reasons.  For instance, why is it that those with the smaller breasts are awarded the A cup, while the more endowed ladies get a dismal D.  I propose that we reverse this system.  When it comes to cup size, give the heavy chested blonde girl the A. She deserves it.  And besides, it will probably be the only A she ever gets.  What am I saying, blondes don’t get anything.  I kid, I kid.

Throughout its existence, the bra has evolved to incorporate several features.  They can come with just about as many options as cars that are on the market today.  You have the option of the underwire, the strapless, the push-up, the convertible (yes, the convertible!), the training, the nursing, the cupless, and yes, even a sports model.

And then, there’s the biggest fraud in the history of mankind:  the padded bra. Bolstered with fabric, silicon-gel, or even water, the padded bra can do one of two things:  it can enhance the shape of the breasts, or it can flat out (pun intended) enhance the size of the breasts.  Either way you look at it, the padded bra is just another blatant example of false advertising.  I like to compare the padded bra to that big bag of potato chips you get when you have a man-sized craving for junk food.  You open the bag and you’re frustrated to find that although its size seemed promising, only half of the bag is filled with chips.  A famous quote comes to mind.  Today’s bras are very much “like a box of chocolates:  you never know what you’re going to get.”

From Johnny DeVille, to you, for your enjoyment:

Funny Microsoft XP Commercial
Hoorah for the Bra: A Perky Peek at the History of the Brassiere
Bra: A Thousand Years Of Style, Support & Seduction
BraBall – The Original Patented Bra Washing Ball