Why the Toronto Blue Jays Suck

Filthy, just like Toronto

As another Major League Baseball regular season draws to an end, so does another disappointing one for the Toronto Blue Jays.  Once again, the Jays failed to qualify for the post season, but should we be surprised?  Here’s but a few reasons why this team sucks more than yo mama.

What’s with the name? The Blue Jays?  Yeah, that’ll scare your opponents.  Actually, baseball as a whole is guilty of stupid bird names—Cardinals, Orioles—or other wimpy names—Sox, Angels, Padres—for their sports teams.  Has anyone ever even seen a blue jay in Toronto?  I doubt if it could survive all the pollution.

The team is based in Toronto. It’s a dirty city, devoid of any culture, soul, or sense of humor, for that matter.  The proof is in the pudding.  In August, after complaints from Torontonians, Molson Coors pulled a billboard campaign that advertised the Coors Light beer brand as “colder than most people from Toronto.”  The truth hurts, people?

They haven’t made it to the post-season since 1993, when they won the World Series. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, 1993 was the year Prince changed his name to a symbol, Nirvana released their album In Utero, and Michael Jordan retired for the first time.  Since then, Prince has reclaimed his name, Kurt Cobain shot himself to death, and Michael Jordan retired another two times.  The Blue Jays, however, never managed better than a second-place finish in their division.

Get the Tee Shirt. No, really. Click on picture to order!

Is summer even long enough in Canada for a baseball season? The first time I heard of the SkyDome, I thought Canadians had just managed to build the world’s biggest igloo.  I kid, I kid.  I’m not that stupid.  Everyone knows that anything significant that’s built in Canada is done by American engineers.

They only have one Canadian on their roster. Pitcher Scott Richmond is the lone Canadian on the Jays’ 40-man roster.  Now, one could make the case that a Canuck isn’t very useful on the baseball diamond anyway, but seriously folks, if you’re the only Canadian team in the majors, you have to make a conscious effort to field more homegrown talent.

J. P. Ricciardi. ‘nough said.

Just like their fans, the players have no class. In all fairness, Alex Ríos no longer plays for the Blue Jays, since he was picked up from waivers in August by the Chicago White Sox.  However, he was still a member of the Jays organization in June when he refused to sign an autograph for a kid, and then proceeded to curse out a bystander who made comments about his poor performance on the field.  Do we have proof?  Of course we do!  That’s YouTube for ya!  I hear that his performance in the bedroom isn’t much either.  I apologize to our female readers, though.  I have no YouTube video to back up this claim.

No player has ever been inducted in the Baseball Hall of Fame with the Blue Jays as their primary team. It just goes to show you how no one wants to be remembered for playing with Toronto.  Interestingly enough, even the Montreal Expos, who were often mocked by Jays fans, are listed as primary team for a Hall of Famer.  Gary Carter, who played for the Expos, the New York Mets, the San Fransisco Giants and the Los Angeles Dodgers throughout his career, was inducted to the Hall of Fame in 2003.

I did find one good thing about the Jays.  Check out this hottie rapping on the subject!