Sculpture entitled Jesus Loves You Too by Frans Smeets

This past weekend, while Canadians were busy stuffing their faces with turkey and pumpkin pie and counting their blessings for their version of Thanksgiving, I was doing quite the opposite.  Instead, I was reflecting on things that have rubbed me the wrong way in 2009.  Of course, there was the Kanye incident.  And then, the Serena incident.  But the thing I was probably most ungrateful for was in fact a double whammy:  a U2 album release and a U2 world tour.  I know I’m treading on thin ice here.  Bad mouthing U2 is like saying bad things about The Beatles.  Their fans, in all their arrogance, just assume that you have to like them.  That they’re the cat’s ass. Here are some ways you too can suck like U2!

Make up a wacky name. Seriously, guys.  It would be cute if you were seven-year-olds playing superheroes on the playground, but as two grown men walking around with names like Bono and The Edge, it’s just plain pathetic.  Apparently, the name Bono comes from a Latin expression meaning “good voice”.  I’m still trying to figure out how that applies to U2’s singer.  As for The Edge, well it’s pretty obvious he got his name because of his cutting edge guitar skills…  NOT!  And don’t get me started on Bono’s alter egos, Mister MacPhisto and The Fly.

Make your own band. It’s easy, really.  The way the story goes, Larry Mullen, Jr. posted a note on his high school’s bulletin board seeking musicians—and I use the term loosely—for a new band.  Bono responded, saying that he could play guitar and sing when he couldn’t.  And when you think about it, he still can’t to this very day.  And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about The Edge for a minute.  When you strip away the layers upon layers of delay and reverb effects, has this guy ever proven that he can actually play the guitar?  So how will Edge’s guitar play out in Rock Band: U2?  Press Red, wait 10 seconds while the effects do their thing, press Yellow, than wait another 10 seconds, …?  I read something interesting in Edge’s Wikipedia article: “The Edge has said that he views musical notes as ‘expensive’, in that he prefers to play as few notes as possible.”  Prefers or just can’t?  There’s a big difference.

Yikes!

Wear foolish sunglasses. Bono reminds me of that dorky father, going through his mid-life crisis, trying to look cool in front of his kids’ friends.  I’ll leave it at that.

Get yourself a few Nobel Peace Prize nominations. Bono got nominated three times for the “prestigious” award.  Oh, sorry, am I supposed to be impressed?  Is this not the same accolade that was given to American President Barack Obama just last week for simply outlining what he planned on doing?  Hmm, an award for people who talk about things but actually don’t get anything done.  Now that’s something!

Get your very own tower! Yes folks, Ireland’s U2 Tower was to originally be completed by 2011, but the global economic crisis thankfully halted that project… for the time being.  Amongst other things, the tower was to contain an egg-shaped pod housing U2’s recording studio, as well as an energy hub containing a large solar panel and wind turbines.  Ah, the possibilities.  I can picture it now, the wind turbines blowing the egg right off the tower, crashing it to the ground.  A previously proposed corkscrew-shaped design would have been more appropriate, seeing how the band is screwing it’s own government out of valuable tax dollars.  And then, Bono will have the nerve to pressure his government to donate money to Africa.  Priceless!  Richard Murphy says it best in an article that appeared on the Bloomberg website: “This is somebody who’s exceptionally rich taking the opportunity to shift his tax burden to somebody else, but then asking governments around the world to spend that tax take in the way that he would like.”

Get an outspoken drummer. An one point or another, the drummer always blows up.  Blame it on an inferiority complex—everyone knows that drummers are not real musicians—or just blame it on the fact that they don’t get as much attention as the vocalist or guitarist of the band, but at one point, they’ll blow up.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be exaggerating a bit here in the case of Larry Mullen, Jr.  But, in a December 2008 article that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph entitled “Larry Mullen: Bono’s friendship with war criminals makes me cringe“, he spoke, and for once in a blue moon, the media listened to what a drummer had to say.

Get a big screen. Men do a lot of things to compensate for a small… well, you know.  Some get a flashy sports car, while others opt for a 50-some-inch plasma television.  Hey, while we’re on the subject of big screens, did you see U2’s setup for their latest tour?  (Do you see what I did there?)  Smoke and mirrors, my friends.  Smoke and mirrors.  According to a post on PerezHilton.com, the stage has cost an estimated $40 million to build (I thought I had read somewhere that there were actually three stages used for the tour), not to mention the crap load of money it will take to transport it from venue to venue, night after night.  The Edge had this to say on the subject: “We’re spending the money on our fans, I don’t think there’s a better thing you could spend it on.”  Um, what about Africa?

Get a strong management team. During these last ten years, U2 have proven that it’s not about reality, it’s about perception.  And you have to hand it to their management team.  They have done a terrific job in creating some buzz around a band that been nothing short of, well, ordinary.  Thankfully, there a few of us wily folks out there who can see past the illusion.

Get an ego. Everyone in the band doesn’t need one, but someone in the band does.  In U2’s case, only Bono has one, but it’s so big that there wouldn’t be enough space for more anyway.  Besides publicly self-proclaiming his band as the “the biggest” and “the best” on multiple occasions, Bono doesn’t stop there when it comes to seeking attention.  Bono’s pride has brought him to fight in the name of Africa (oops, I did it again).  Yes, folks, yet another celebrity cause of the day!  Bono has been pressuring governments to contribute funds to Africa, while his band has been racking up hundreds of thousands in concert revenues from their recent tours.  Apparently, Bono makes it a point not to openly disclose his personal donations to charitable causes.  Pretty convenient, huh?  It’s funny how rich celebrities like to reach into pockets of regular folks.

Be a Number 2. (See video below.)

I forgot to mention the bassist.  Ah, who cares about the bassist anyway?

Kanye West

With Kanye’s outburst at last night’s MTV Video Music Awards, it’s only fitting that we look into the reasons why he sucks.

The guy has a huge ego. Granted, one almost has to be egotistical to some degree to make it in show business, but seriously, this guy’s ego is off the charts.  In 2006, after appearing as Jesus on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, he told Playboy: “I throw up historical subjects in a way that makes kids want to learn about them.  I’m definitely in the history books already.”  That’s right.  Kanye believes he’s grooming today’s young minds into becoming the history majors of tomorrow.  An honorary doctorate degree in history is just a matter of time for this American rapper, record producer, author, singer, and crotch grabber (see picture at start of post).

Dude can’t sing. As evidenced in the song “Love Lockdown” on his 808s & Heartbreak album, he needed an auto-tune device to get by.  Watching the video, it’s a shame there isn’t a device that could improve his acting.

What’s with the hair? Are those hieroglyphs on his head?  And that’s only his current do.  One can’t help but remember the black mullet.

He is a “proud non-reader”. But it doesn’t mean he can’t be an author!  In 2009 he published “Thank You And You’re Welcome“, which he calls a “collection of thoughts and theories.”  In an interview with Reuters, West said:

Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.  [Author's note: has anyone ever seen a book sign an autograph?]

I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life.

So, in other words, he likes to keep it real.  He also says that being a “non-reader” gives him a childlike purity.  Here is a review on his book by Sammy C “Sam” on Amazon that I enjoyed:

Kanye West seems mildly amused that these things called “words” can actually be written down and combined into interesting groups called “phrases” or sometimes even “sentences.”

It would be adorable if he were five years old. But coming from this wealthy, swaggering, man-child, it’s a depressing reminder that his hip-hop culture devalues education and literacy. Mr. West uses white space as a stand-in for gravitas; one page declares “Get used to being used.” I doubt the youngest of his fans will find that worth pondering for more than a second.

That he needed a ghost writer to complete what amounts to a pithy pamphlet is appalling.

The guy has a huge ego. Did I mention that already?  In November 2006, after West’s “Touch the Sky” lost the Best Video award at the MTV Europe Music Awards to Justice and Simian’s “We Are Your Friends“, he interrupted the presentation and ranted on how he should have won the award instead.  At which point, MTV Europe realized that they had made made a monumental mistake, reversed their decision, and awarded the coveted distinction to West.  (I just made up that last sentence.)

He plays the race card when it’s uncalled for. In 2007, he said: “Maybe my skin’s not right,” when Britney Spears was favored over himself to open the MTV Video Music Awards.  I doubt the color of his skin had anything to do with it.  It’s like this, regardless of Britney’s skin color, she shows a lot of it, and MTV knows viewers would rather see that than Kanye grabbing his crotch (see picture at start of post).  Sounds like common sense to me.

Taylor Swift

The guy has a huge ego. Are you sure I didn’t mention this already?  At the MTV Video Music Awards in September 2009, West burst onto the stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for the Best Female Video award, grabbed the microphone out of Swift’s hands and went on to say: “Sorry Taylor, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.”  At which point, MTV executives reconvened and announced that starting in 2010, all MVMA trophies would be awarded to the winners of West’s choosing.  (I just made up that last sentence.)

Here are some amusing Twitter posts by celebrities in retaliation to West’s antics:

“Kanye West is the biggest piece of s— on earth.”  —Pink

“F–K U KANYE.  IT’S LIKE U STEPPED oN A KITTEN.”  —Katy Perry

The Beatles

Attacks on Nickelback by my fellow blogger Vic Stanley was cheap. It was almost like kicking a dead horse. Oops, sorry, did I just use a cliché. I know how he hates those. I am not saying that Nickelback don’t suck, but, come on, have the balls to go after some bigger names. Seeing how I have the said balls, I’ll go after a big name right off the bat and tell you why The Beatles suck.

The Beatles played pop music. I am not saying that’s a bad thing, I’m just saying that they were as guilty as any other past or current pop act of using the basic verse, chorus, verse, chorus format. They may have experimented a bit over the years, but their biggest hits remain pop music.

Backstreet Boys

The Beatles were a boy band. When I look at pictures or video during Beatlemania, I don’t see many guys there. The few guys that were in attendance were either there for the girls, or they were gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course). As embarrassing as this may be for Beatles fans, there is one more recent boy band who have trumped two of The Beatles’ biggest-selling classic albums. The Backstreet Boys’ album Millenium has sold 40 million units. The Beatles’ best album in sales is Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with 32 million sales. And that’s despite the clear advantage that the average Beatles fan has bought the album in vinyl, 8-track, cassette and compact disc formats. On the flip side, the Backstreet Boys were robbed from many sales courtesy of Napster. Please, don’t give me your crap on how music sales don’t mean squat. That argument may apply to underground indy bands, but they don’t apply to The Beatles. People know who the Beatles are and they know who the Backstreet Boys are. The numbers are clear, black on white. So think about it, Sgt. Pepper’s has sold 32 million albums, in redundant sales, under multiple formats, over a 40-year span, while Millenium sold 40 million units in just 10 years. Oh, and did I mention that the Backstreet Boys’ self-titled debut album has sold as many units as The Beatles’ Abbey Road?

Paul McCartney let Michael Jackson buy the publishing rights to the majority of the John Lennon/McCartney compositions. What makes it so funny, is that McCartney was the one who introduced Jackson to the financial potential of music publishing.

They were far from being musical geniuses. They were simply stoned out of their minds when writing their songs. Sure, the Rolling Stones don’t have the most insightful songs, but then again they never set out to change the world with their music. They just wanted to have a good time rocking out, snorting some blow and doing some chicks. How egotistical can you be to think that your very own music can change the world. Not everyone is looking for deep lyrics and revolutionary compositions. Some people just want to let loose, dance and forget their daily problems.

Every Beatles’ song remake is better than the original. I’m not talking about sound quality, that’s a given.  Check out “Helter Skelter” by Aerosmith, “Yesterday” by Ray Charles and Our Lady Peace’s version of “Tomorrow Never Knows“, just to name a selected few.

Even John Lennon didn’t like the Beatles. In the song “God” by John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band, Lennon sings: “I don’t believe in Beatles/I just believe in me.”

Buddy Holly

Eric Clapton played lead guitar, including the solo, on While My Guitar Gently Weeps. No one from The Beatles was good enough to do it.

Yellow Submarine. ‘nough said.

Their fans act as though music didn’t exist before The Beatles. Um, what about Elvis, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly, and Little Richard, just to name a few? They were as influencial on future artists as The Beatles.

They can’t spell. It’s beetles, not beatles.

I don’t really enjoy listening to the radio. When I drive my car, most of the time I’ll just plug in my Ipod or drive music-less. I’ll admit that I’ve never sat down and meditated on the reason why, but during my ride this morning, like an explosive release of flatulence, it hit me: Nickelback sucks.

Nickelback

You see, Nickelback is the epitome of how today’s music can be so uncreative. Of course, one could say : but Vic, what about those girl teen angst singers, or bands that can’t take a hint and retire already?

Ok now. Settle down, class.

For argument’s sake, let’s go back to focusing on Nickelback, shall we?

For the few of you fortunate ones who don’t know who they are, let’s start off with the fact that they’re from Canada. Well, all right. To be politically correct, I won’t fault them for that. Nobody’s perfect.

Now that the gloves are off, let’s come out swinging with a fact that most of you DO know : Nickelback songs pretty much all sound the same. In 2003, someone went further by superimposing two of their songs, Someday and How you Remind Me, and made the obvious conclusion that Nickelback sure loves sticking to their format. I mean, how “perfect” is their timing?

I’ve also come to realize that most radio listeners (let’s call them “Raddies”) just don’t listen to the actual lyrics. We can forgive 1950s/60s bands for writing overly simple lyrics like “I love you, and I’ll always be true”, etc. What can we expect? It’s primitive rock, and we should be so happy that we have a benchmark from which we can judge the evolution of present-day music. Which is why lazy contemporary songwriters like Nickelback fail.

Let’s take for example If Today Was Your Last Day. Coincidently, this is the song that almost forced me to buy another Egg McGriddle this morning. By reading the first paragraph, how many inane clichés can you see?

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

In 6 sentences, we can count 4 “obvious” clichés, with the remaining 2 lines being as deep as most of the stuff that’s come out of George W’s mouth.

As if that’s not bad enough, can we forgive them to go VERSE, CHORUS, VERSE, CHORUS, etc. repeatedly?  How dare they think they can be so creative as to ignoring the very well-established VERSE, VERSE, CHORUS format? I say to them : Balls, my good fellows. Balls.

My theory is that if people were to be constantly exposed to a running microwave oven with a missing front door, the net result wouldn’t be pretty. The same goes for Raddies – the cumulative effect of listening to some mindless radio programming has probably numbed whatever little lyrical prerequisites they had to begin with. How else could some people actually think that they can purge any real meaning from the above song?

After all has been said and done, though, we have to give credit where credit is due: If there’s one impressive thing about Nickelback, it’s their uncanny ability to detect when they’re in the presence of true Nickelback fans.

Cheerio