Yes, I know, it’s old news by now, and everyone’s talked this one to death.  However, we here at WhyThisBlogSucks.com have a duty to report on these types of things.

I really doubt that I have to sum this one up, but for the benefit of anyone who has been in a coma for the last couple of weeks, here goes.  On October 15, a flying saucer-shaped hellium-filled balloon, falsely believed to be containing a six-year old boy, flew over parts of Colorado, remaining airborne for some 50 miles (80 km), before crashing not too far from Denver International Airport.  There you go, all the information you need contained in one sentence, brought to you by my friends, the commas.

Sorry to burst your balloon, people, and here’s a shocker, but the incident was a hoax.  Here are a few reasons why this incident sucks.

The actors. Richard and Mayumi Heene, the Balloon Boy’s parents, met in acting school.  Richard is an amateur scientist, who’s acquaintances have called “a shameless self-promoter who would do almost anything to advance his latest endeavor”.  Taking a page from Paris Hilton’s book, I suppose?

Reality Show. Now, I’ve been exposed to my share of things, or people (you know what I mean), that smelled fishy, but this one reaked as soon as I heard that the boy’s family had appeared on a reality show in the past.  In fact, the family of six-year-old Falcon Heene had been featured twice on Wife Swap as an adventurous family that liked to live on the edge.  According to abc.go.com, the storm-chasing family “are as chaotic as a twister: the kids have no table manners and throw themselves around the house, and while Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help.”  Although they seem to be insinuating that that last part is a bad thing, I have to admit that um, I don’t quite get it.

Parenting obviously isn’t the Heene’s strong suit. Aside from bringing their family on a reality show, Richard and wife Mayumi give out other clues.  For one, chasing storms and UFOs with three young kids between the ages of five an eight seems hardly normal to me.  The poor kids sleep in their clothes, as they have to be ready to go on a moment’s notice.  Richard has also, at one point, expressed his belief that humans (that would be us) are descendants of aliens (that would be Tom Cruise).  Another clue?  How about dragging your child on a television show and having him lie to the point where the kid vomits?

Cash, cash, cash. The New York Post has estimated that the cost of the rescue operation, which involved military helicopters, was about $2 million.  The operation also briefly shut down the Denver International Airport.  $2 million???  Number 2 is going to shit himself when he finds out.  This is money that the US government could have better spent by donating it to Africa.  Bitty time.

The media. For hours, the media reported that a boy was in the balloon.  Yet, their was no indication of such, aside from a report that a sibling had seen the boy climbing inside.  Wow, talk about checking your sources.  Only after it was discovered that the boy was in fact not in the aircraft did the media emphasize that the claims were unverified and possibly a hoax.  This is just another indication of how modern media has become more about entertainment and ratings, and less about reporting facts.

The scope. Apparently, this story generated interest from around the world.  When I heard this at first, I was impressed, but then I got to thinking how Americans have been known to think that their country is the world, so I’m no longer sure what this means.  Come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  The World Series, the NBA’s World Champions.  These are clearly American events.  But I digress…

Cops. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they come for you.  We are brought up to believe that they are the good guy, and their intentions very well might be good, but how stupid can you look?  There are reports that the cops searched the Heene’s house twice, but never found the boy who was hiding in a box in the rafters of the garage.  In all fairness to the cops, I can see how difficult it would be to open a box while you’re holding a coffee in one hand and a donut in the other.  Now, however, the story has changed.  Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden has stated that, for all they know, the boy was maybe not even in the garage’s rafters during the incident.  This is the same man, who, from the start said he was sure that it wasn’t a hoax.  He know says that that statement was a “game plan” to keep the Heene’s trust.  Suuuure.  His latest statement, when commenting Richard Heene’s scientific aspirations, despite only a high school education: “He may be nutty, but he’s not a professor.”  Funny?  Yes.  Professional?  Not so much.

The video. A home video shows Richard inspecting the balloon’s basket prior to takeoff, and then the family counting down in unison before releasing the cord.

The calls. After the balloon had taken off, the Heenes called the Federal Aviation Adminstration (FAA), and then they called KUSA-TV, Denver’s NBC affiliate, requesting that a news helicopter be dispatched.  Only then, did the family call emergency services.  During this call, however, Richard asked: “I don’t know whether it’s possible you guys could detect the electricity that it emits … it emits a million volts on the outer skin.”  Does this sound like a man who believes that his boy in trapped in the balloon?

I’ll admit, I’m not always a fan of kids.

Sure, one kid is cute. Twins can sometimes be cuter. But eights kids is a pain in the ass, if you ask me.

And in my opinion, a bigger mystery than the Caramilk Secret : why people would want to waste their precious time watching a stupid couple try to corral eight such runts.

Cue the Gosselin Family - it’s time we looked at how they became the, ahum, ”typical” American family.

The Gosselin Family ... all calm after a nice 30 km jog

Once upon a time (October 1997), there was this guy, Jon Gosselin, who met this girl, Kate Kreider, at a company picnic. Which company? I couldn’t find a site that said which one it was, so one could assume that both of them crashed the picnic. Yada yada yada, they married on June 12, 1999. For those math whizzes out there : yes, that’s less than two years in the relationship.

Marrying so soon HAD to be a sign of true love, right?

We know that she’s a nurse, and apparently he was some kind of IT analyst, but it looks as though once he jumped on the gravy train that was the Jon & Kate Plus 8 show, his TV job became his only source of income.

Anywho, what family would be complete without 8 children, right? So, when they first learned that she was having fertility problems, they went for fertility treatments, and they had twin daughters. This wasn’t enough for them, and even though they could have been guaranteed their 3rd child by adopting one, this wasn’t a satisfactory solution either. No, because you see, they knew that a 3-kid family wasn’t going to give them a TV show anytime soon, so they decided to play the “Let’s Go For Another Round of Fertility Treatments”, because we ALL know that with such treatments, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get at least a set of twins, so the more the merrier, right?

So, on May 10, 2004 : sextuplet jackpot! Cha-ching!!!  

Proof that money grows in uteruses

Ah… family bliss. But how can you raise an 8-kid family when both parents want to quit their jobs and stay at home? Hmm…decide which one should make the sacrifice and go back to work? Nah…Take turns working while the other one stays at home? Nah… wait a minute – I’ve got it : get one’s own TV show! Bingo!

I mean, what could guarantee a family never having any more problems by having a TV crew filming you 24/7? Just smile and wave, dear. We can’t let the Joneses know that we’re anything but perfect, right?

Well, other than their public perfection, a few minor issues started appearing:

Kate has control issues. Her own brother has said it. And she doesn’t think custody schedules apply to her. In fact, even Whoopi took Jon’s side on this one. Among the Internet stuff out there, there seems to be a pattern : It’s Kate’s way, or the highway. There are even rumours that she’s estranged to her own parents.

Kate is overbearing. She’s belittled Jon more than a few times, and questions his parenting skills when he doesn’t agree with her. He’s even said she was abusive. I mean, look at those eyes of hers. To have stayed in that home, he’s a brave dude – had he ever ran away to a place like Canada, I wouldn’t have held it against him.

Kate the cheater? Who can say for certain if there was an affair between Kate and her bodyguard, Steve Neild?

Kate believes in spanking. A picture is worth a thousand words. But she doesn’t mind a firm hand in the right direction sometimes…

I told you to clean the garage!

Jon the cheater? Alright, maybe Stephanie Santoro was a sight for sore eyes, but that doesn’t mean it was smart to have an affair with the babysitter! Or was it? Hmmm….when it comes to extramarital sex, nine time’s the limit, baby!

Jon has control issues. Yup, like Kate, one has to put their foot down. Down on the show’s throat, baby! Jon has decided that “for the sake of the kids”, he wanted TLC to stop filming, and keep off his grass.

Stop the divorce! When the news are slow, what else does one  do? Why, stop the divorce! At least, that’s what Jon did. Jon boy, you lose 2 points on that bonehead move.

Money. What does an unemployed party animal do when he needs a bit of cash? Why, empty the joint savings account! I mean, don’t ALL families typically have $230,000.00 lying around in an account somewhere? 

Question : would someone who can't spell his own name be smart enough to steal money out of their joint savings account?

I don’t know about you folks, but I’m mighty fed up with seeing them on the cover of every tabloid magazine. In fact, someone even wasted their time doing a Jon and Kate timeline!

What say we celebrate the fact (fingers crossed) that the show will finally be cancelled? I mean, let’s be happy… for the sake of the kids.

(continued from Part 1)

Oprah is not afraid to play the race card. Move over, Kanye. I think it’s safe to assume that work sucks, and that the majority of us can’t wait to finish our working day and head back home. Well, a store’s closing time doesn’t seem to apply to Oprah – when her Highness isn’t getting the preferential treatment she thinks she deserves, then in her infinite wisdom she MUST conclude that stores like Hermes are discriminating against her because she’s black. She’ll then make sure that her WHOLE audience will hear about it, and eventually get said store to come begging for forgiveness.

Oprah has too much power. If America is the most powerful country in the world, and, at a minimum, Oprah controls half of it – its women – then it follows that she’s the single most powerful being on the planet. Ok, maybe I exaggerate, but the numbers are impressive. And ok, maybe she’s the second most influential person after the Pope, but let’s be honest : who even knows the current Pope’s name? With so big of an audience and with the snap of her fingers, she can just have a busy city block closed down anytime she wants to launch a new season of her TV show. Time Magazine has obviously included her in their Time 100 : The Most Important People of the Century. Because whatever she says does carries a LOT of weight – if she commands her viewers to buy a certain item, then they’ll comply. When she said that she was afraid of eating beef and catching mad cow disease (no snickering at the back of the class), the effect it supposedly had on the beef industry pissed off just enough cattle farmers that they decided on suing the Almighty Oprah herself! Guess who won the case? Oprah, of course! And yes, Oprah : free speech DOES rock.

How to tell a real Oprah picture from a fake? Answer: only genuine Oprah pictures show her mouth open.

The Church of Oprah. What could give a person more power than money? Being a God! Call it Oprahism, the Church of O, or whatever, she’s got her own beliefs about what spirituality is, or should be, and she’ll preach the heck out of it, baby! If you look on her website, you’ll notice that before Health, or Style, or Relationships, etc. the first tabbed subject is SPIRIT. Whether or not you put positive thinking before all, thus creating your own future (shh….that’s The Secret), or focusing on your state of awareness, once again we see that Oprah knows how to make money by being the spiritual guru she fancies herself being.

Is Oprah gay? Typically, I could care less about a person’s sexual orientation. Knowing that someone’s gay or straight is as newsworthy as whether or not another igloo just melted in Canada. But Oprah never really seems to answer this question, and since Oprah is sooooo fascinating, then this is an interesting subject. So here’s what we know : she’s kept Stedman Graham on a leash for a good 20-some years, being embarrassed after the world found out about their engagement in 1992 (which was then cancelled), and, by the looks of it, finally breaking up with him this year. They never married, so no need for a prenup! Sweet! And even if she did publicly announce their breakup, it wouldn’t shock anyone. For years she’s been seen more often hanging around with her very BFF, Gayle King, than with Stedman. Being so close and doing pretty much EVERYTHING together, even Rosie O’Donnell thought that maybe there had to be at least a little bit of lesbian action going on. But, if Oprah was gay, then there must be some valid reason ($$$) why she wouldn’t want to admit it just yet.

Ah...love

Oprah Winfrey, Patron Saint of Charity. Forbes puts Oprah’s fortune at 2.3 billion dollars. And how generous is Oprah? Well, she does occasionally give away free stuff to her TV audience. Wait - I meant to say that she DISTRIBUTES stuff on her shows. Like that time she “gave” a brand new car to each of her audience members. It was later learned that the cars were donated by Pontiac, not Oprah. Those happy audience members then found out they each had to pay about $7000 in taxes to keep the cars. The winner : Oprah and the publicity it gave her for being so generous. Then, she founded the – what else? – Oprah’s Angel Network, which has received more than $80 million in donations – from the public. Another one of her generous ventures : Oprah’s Big Give, where the winner would win $1 million (half to keep to themself, and half to give away to another charity). Sounds nice, but the whole thing was a TV show, meant to do – what else – make Oprah money! And if she DID give $1 million away, no strings attached, that amount would represent about 1/2000th of her whole net worth (in case Forbes is a bit off in their estimate and that she’s only worth $2 billion). To put it this way, suppose you, the reader, were worth a total of $ 200 000. If you gave 1/2000th of your net worth, it’d be the equivalent of $100. Hardly enough to make the national news, right? Not to mention how savvy her accountants probably are at turning her donation money as a tax write-off. Or what about the $40 million (1/50th of her net worth, or the equivalent of $4000 to you) she donated to set up the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls school in South Africa? That was big news, which made her a lot of free publicity, which in turn probably made her some kind of return on her investment. Because that’s what it ultimately is. Her generosity extends to 1) putting her name on something, and 2) making sure the Pay it Forward system is actually a boomerang-back-into-her-pocket system. If Oprah really wanted to wow us, an official and independent news story could come out someday saying that Oprah gave half of her fortune anonymously to different charities. Well, she’d still be a billionaire…

I guess having now opened up myself so much, and being in tune with my inner self (yay for me, Oprah!) I’m starting to feel a little better again. At least until I find new batteries for my pacemaker. However, I will leave this question for future Philosophy 101 classes :

Is there an Oprah in each one of us?

Bono…Sting…Elvis…Cher…Oprah.

Ooops… sorry Oprah. I never meant to include you in a list with mere single-name mortals.

You see, kids, I was channel-surfing today, and I got to wonder: Can a guy have an Oprah overdose? This was such a BIG question (sorry for the pun, Oprah), that I had to make this rant a two-parter.

Everywhere I turn, Oprah Winfrey’s there. Oprah’s in your face, sucka! She’s got her own TV show, her own magazine, her own book club, her own radio network, her own online store, etc. The next market Oprah will probably aim to dominate : branding her face on every future roll of toilet paper. Because who would you then have to turn to in your moment of need? Oprah!

Guess who's on the cover of this month's Oprah magazine?

Oprah is narcissistic. There’s a running joke that goes : Guess who’s on the cover of this month’s Oprah magazine? You see, everything has to be about Oprah. When she’s not busy crashing weddings (oh joy, honey, we’re so blessed that Oprah crashed OUR wedding and stole some of OUR thunder), she takes the time to interrupt her guests (some of them actual experts in their fields) in order for her to say something that sounds oh-so-wise… And if she’s hosting a concert, she HAS to be on the stage WITH the performers, going as far as filming them with her cell phone. Très cool, Oprah.

Oprah is a rich chick trapped into a fat chick’s body. I know a lot of her fans out there will say that her rags-to-riches story should serve as a role-model to all woman in America, nay, the world, but what lesson does a rich celebrity teach when she can easily afford her own personal trainer, and still end up getting fat again every 6 months? But Oprah knows just how to market her own gluttony and make a pile of money. Step one : dedicate a TV episode / magazine article where she whines about her new state of fatness. Step two : introduce a revolutionary new weight-loss program on another episode. Having trouble keeping track of all the different programs? Don’t worry : Oprah has made it easy to find this information : right on her own webpage! But we’ll just let Oprah keep blaming it on her thyroid gland. 

Oprah has both the Midas Touch and the Medusa’s Gaze. It’s a pretty simple concept : she takes a relative nobody, has them sign a very generous deal (in her favor, of course - after all, she is the promoter), and then makes them an actual somebody! There’s nothing really wrong with that, other than the fact that such deals are like signing away one’s testicles, and that eventually these people might want to have their own INDEPENDENT careers, free of constant Oprah butt-kissing. But screw with her once, though, and watch out.

Dr Phil. One of Oprah’s most famous minions is Dr Phil. She took him under her wing, made him a repeat guest on her show until she decided that she could let him have his own show (of which she would make a good chunk of change). But after he screwed up a few times, including the famous Britney Spears hospital visit, Oprah was apparently far from being impressed with him, and yada yada yada, he then cancelled his planned Britney Spears show. But don’t worry about the tiff between them, folks - Oprah wouldn’t want Dr Phil’s ratings to go down too much and see her investment go bad : they’ve kissed and made up.

Dr Oz. If your first doctor experiment doesn’t succeed – you try again. I only wonder what will eventually happen with Dr Oz and his new show? Who’s betting on a future feud? Anybody?

Rachael Ray. Same thing. After promoting her, it had to eventually turn into a feud. Tip for Oprah : maybe a cat fight would make for good ratings?

James Frey. Oh James, how could you? You wrote a “memoir“  about your druggie years, but did you first tell Oprah it was fluffed a little before the truth was exposed? No you didn’t. So what happened next? The Court of Oprah decreed that you make another appearance on her show, in order for her to publicly unleash her fury at you so that other future Oprah’s Book Club authors would never think twice about embarrassing her again. Don’t worry, though : when she saw you were coming out with a new book (ka-ching!), she “apologized” to you just in time.

How dare you embarass the Oprah? The Oprah is mad! Bow before me, puppet!

David Letterman. When Oprah isn’t too busy having feuds with the “little” people, she goes for bigger names like David Letterman. However, even the Queen of Feuds couldn’t hold a grudge her whole life, and after 16-years, they burried the hatchet. 

Tom Cruise. Couldn’t Oprah edit this show before airing it? Oh well, Tom Cruise’s famous couch-jumping scene made just enough of a news story to make her MORE money with a follow-up show. Shrewd, Oprah. Very shrewd.

Barack Obama. Sorry – President Obama. I don’t envy Oprah for having to decide on whether or not the next president should be America’s first female president - Hillary Clinton, or America’s first black president – Barack Obama. The rumors of exactly who’d she support ran rampant, but in the end, Oprah decided the next president should be Obama.

Click here to read Part 2