Filthy, just like Toronto

As another Major League Baseball regular season draws to an end, so does another disappointing one for the Toronto Blue Jays.  Once again, the Jays failed to qualify for the post season, but should we be surprised?  Here’s but a few reasons why this team sucks more than yo mama.

What’s with the name? The Blue Jays?  Yeah, that’ll scare your opponents.  Actually, baseball as a whole is guilty of stupid bird names—Cardinals, Orioles—or other wimpy names—Sox, Angels, Padres—for their sports teams.  Has anyone ever even seen a blue jay in Toronto?  I doubt if it could survive all the pollution.

The team is based in Toronto. It’s a dirty city, devoid of any culture, soul, or sense of humor, for that matter.  The proof is in the pudding.  In August, after complaints from Torontonians, Molson Coors pulled a billboard campaign that advertised the Coors Light beer brand as “colder than most people from Toronto.”  The truth hurts, people?

They haven’t made it to the post-season since 1993, when they won the World Series. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, 1993 was the year Prince changed his name to a symbol, Nirvana released their album In Utero, and Michael Jordan retired for the first time.  Since then, Prince has reclaimed his name, Kurt Cobain shot himself to death, and Michael Jordan retired another two times.  The Blue Jays, however, never managed better than a second-place finish in their division.

Get the Tee Shirt. No, really. Click on picture to order!

Is summer even long enough in Canada for a baseball season? The first time I heard of the SkyDome, I thought Canadians had just managed to build the world’s biggest igloo.  I kid, I kid.  I’m not that stupid.  Everyone knows that anything significant that’s built in Canada is done by American engineers.

They only have one Canadian on their roster. Pitcher Scott Richmond is the lone Canadian on the Jays’ 40-man roster.  Now, one could make the case that a Canuck isn’t very useful on the baseball diamond anyway, but seriously folks, if you’re the only Canadian team in the majors, you have to make a conscious effort to field more homegrown talent.

J. P. Ricciardi. ‘nough said.

Just like their fans, the players have no class. In all fairness, Alex Ríos no longer plays for the Blue Jays, since he was picked up from waivers in August by the Chicago White Sox.  However, he was still a member of the Jays organization in June when he refused to sign an autograph for a kid, and then proceeded to curse out a bystander who made comments about his poor performance on the field.  Do we have proof?  Of course we do!  That’s YouTube for ya!  I hear that his performance in the bedroom isn’t much either.  I apologize to our female readers, though.  I have no YouTube video to back up this claim.

No player has ever been inducted in the Baseball Hall of Fame with the Blue Jays as their primary team. It just goes to show you how no one wants to be remembered for playing with Toronto.  Interestingly enough, even the Montreal Expos, who were often mocked by Jays fans, are listed as primary team for a Hall of Famer.  Gary Carter, who played for the Expos, the New York Mets, the San Fransisco Giants and the Los Angeles Dodgers throughout his career, was inducted to the Hall of Fame in 2003.

I did find one good thing about the Jays.  Check out this hottie rapping on the subject!

First, let me say that Serena Williams could kick my ass.  I admit it.  Her biceps are bigger than my thighs.

So when Serena waves her racket towards someone, they usually take notice. It’s hasn’t been officialy confirmed yet, but there’s a general consensus that the petite lineswoman has broken the tip-toe running record. Oh, and not to say that this lineswoman is probably still scared shitless right now, but apparently the USTA isn’t releasing her name.

No clarification on whether or not ESPN meant to say that they’re not releasing the lineswoman’s name to the general public, or just to Serena Williams.

Second, way to be a role-model, Serena. Of course, I don’t condone the obvious racist comments you’ll read if you look below the related You Tube videos. Serena may never have signed on to become an ambassador for black female tennis players, but seeing her threatening – who else – a Japanese lineswoman really encourages all those inbred hicks to come out of the woodworks and post the most obscene racial comments their little minds can come up with.

What happened here shouldn’t be a racial issue. But throw, um, pudding at a fan, and we all know it’s going to be messy.

Third, and this is probably a technical issue – what actually was said? Will we ever really know if Serena “only” threatened to shove her racket down the lineswoman throat, or did she threaten to kill her? The US Open can’t realistically install microphones to cover each square inch of the court. So will the investigation have to interview fans sitting close to the lineswoman? In the end, will the lineswoman admit that while Serena DID only threaten physical harm, she FELT her life was in danger? After all, getting a tennis racket shoved down one’s throat WOULD probably kill someone, right? Yes folks, we’ll have to wait to see the results of the investigation.

Serena Williams Hissing

If Serena plans on being loud and hissy when she plays, she better take lessons from the master himself – John McEnroe. I don’t recall Johnny Mac ever physically threaten an official, but boy oh boy, could he question their competence! Call it what you want – but compared to what Serena said, let’s consider it as “constructive criticsm”. You see, throwing a tennis racket at the ground = ok. Telling a chair umpire that their chair has a higher IQ than them = ok. Clearly telling the official that they suck = acceptable. Threatening them physically = bad.

Oh, alright : a player might still get penalized for “unsportsmanlike conduct” for all of the above. But still, the last one is a worst PR issue nowadays.

The William sisters have often been called drama queens. But just look at the video – even Venus is shocked at Serena’s behavior.

Finally, the apology. Serena is quoted as saying :

I need to make it clear to all young people that I handled myself inappropriately and it’s not the way to act.

Is she being sincere? I guess we’ll just have to wait until her next outburst.