Actually, let me rephrase that : texting itself doesn’t necessarily suck. The same could be said about the fact that a loaded gun locked in a safe is not dangerous.

It’s the idiots who text that suck.

Managers are losers. This realization came to me about 2 years ago, while I joined a friend having lunch with some of her work colleagues. Her ex-boss had a Crackberry, and of course, he HAD to check for new messages every 20 seconds. Then he would invest a good 2 minutes bent over, concentrating on typing with the help of a keypad the size of a zit. You see, being a beginner’s version of a manager in a boring bureaucratic environment, the world would have obviously collapsed without this jerk-off constantly punching on his glorified calculator.

Twenty years ago, such behavior would have labelled one a “nerd”.  Nowadays, every poser needs a Crackberry to look important and pretend they’re on guard, waiting for that all-important mythical spreadsheet that should be arriving at any minute. They’re too dumb to realize that typing messages to their hottie secretaries, back-and-forth every 2 minutes kind of busts their lame pretenses.

Crackberry

Teens are losers. A few days ago, I saw two girls walk together, both texting side-by-side. A few months ago, a bunch of them were at a restaurant, each one of them texting. And then I keep reading articles that state most teens at a party can be seen texting…My question is : Who are they texting? They’re already with their friends! Or do they have so many that they need to treat the rest like their own fan club?

Everybody gets dumber. Everybody’s writing skills have now degraded to a grade 2 level. That’s right, U NO WHO U R. LMFAO.  To remedy this, I propose that all handheld devices come programmed in such a way that anytime a text message is sent with a typo in it, the device would then scream “this guy has a cheesy vagina!” Although unorthodox, I’m pretty sure school teachers would approve the final results.

Idiot drivers become, well, idioter. Yup. As if drivers weren’t stupid enough behind a wheel, they now have to completely ignore looking at the road to porn text instead. Driving to work in the morning, nothing is more enjoyable than playing slalom on the highway while dodging text-messaging drivers who sway in and out of their lanes. And nothing makes you want to re-evaluate your car insurance plan faster than dealing with idiots, who are too distracted to care about collision-avoidance.

Whatever happened to chicks who applied mascara in their rear view mirrors while driving? Even though they weren’t looking at the road AHEAD of them, in my book, looking at the road behind you is better than not looking at any road at all.

Finally, my time gets wasted. My time is precious. Ok, maybe not. But my blood pressure goes up anytime some genius in front of me is too busy texting in the McDonald’s drive-through waiting line to notice that the car in front of him pulled up 5 minutes before. Can’t the A-Hole hear my stomach growling for one of those big juicy Whoppers? (did you get it? I bet you did if you were reading this and not texting at the same time).

People, stop texting. Start using your powers of speech again, make real eye contact with those you talk to, DO use Spellcheck when you MUST write, and let’s all join hands, genuinally socialize and sing Kumbaya like in the days of old. Let’s really smell the roses instead of texting about it.

C U L8R