I’ll admit, I’m not always a fan of kids.

Sure, one kid is cute. Twins can sometimes be cuter. But eights kids is a pain in the ass, if you ask me.

And in my opinion, a bigger mystery than the Caramilk Secret : why people would want to waste their precious time watching a stupid couple try to corral eight such runts.

Cue the Gosselin Family - it’s time we looked at how they became the, ahum, ”typical” American family.

The Gosselin Family ... all calm after a nice 30 km jog

Once upon a time (October 1997), there was this guy, Jon Gosselin, who met this girl, Kate Kreider, at a company picnic. Which company? I couldn’t find a site that said which one it was, so one could assume that both of them crashed the picnic. Yada yada yada, they married on June 12, 1999. For those math whizzes out there : yes, that’s less than two years in the relationship.

Marrying so soon HAD to be a sign of true love, right?

We know that she’s a nurse, and apparently he was some kind of IT analyst, but it looks as though once he jumped on the gravy train that was the Jon & Kate Plus 8 show, his TV job became his only source of income.

Anywho, what family would be complete without 8 children, right? So, when they first learned that she was having fertility problems, they went for fertility treatments, and they had twin daughters. This wasn’t enough for them, and even though they could have been guaranteed their 3rd child by adopting one, this wasn’t a satisfactory solution either. No, because you see, they knew that a 3-kid family wasn’t going to give them a TV show anytime soon, so they decided to play the “Let’s Go For Another Round of Fertility Treatments”, because we ALL know that with such treatments, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get at least a set of twins, so the more the merrier, right?

So, on May 10, 2004 : sextuplet jackpot! Cha-ching!!!  

Proof that money grows in uteruses

Ah… family bliss. But how can you raise an 8-kid family when both parents want to quit their jobs and stay at home? Hmm…decide which one should make the sacrifice and go back to work? Nah…Take turns working while the other one stays at home? Nah… wait a minute – I’ve got it : get one’s own TV show! Bingo!

I mean, what could guarantee a family never having any more problems by having a TV crew filming you 24/7? Just smile and wave, dear. We can’t let the Joneses know that we’re anything but perfect, right?

Well, other than their public perfection, a few minor issues started appearing:

Kate has control issues. Her own brother has said it. And she doesn’t think custody schedules apply to her. In fact, even Whoopi took Jon’s side on this one. Among the Internet stuff out there, there seems to be a pattern : It’s Kate’s way, or the highway. There are even rumours that she’s estranged to her own parents.

Kate is overbearing. She’s belittled Jon more than a few times, and questions his parenting skills when he doesn’t agree with her. He’s even said she was abusive. I mean, look at those eyes of hers. To have stayed in that home, he’s a brave dude – had he ever ran away to a place like Canada, I wouldn’t have held it against him.

Kate the cheater? Who can say for certain if there was an affair between Kate and her bodyguard, Steve Neild?

Kate believes in spanking. A picture is worth a thousand words. But she doesn’t mind a firm hand in the right direction sometimes…

I told you to clean the garage!

Jon the cheater? Alright, maybe Stephanie Santoro was a sight for sore eyes, but that doesn’t mean it was smart to have an affair with the babysitter! Or was it? Hmmm….when it comes to extramarital sex, nine time’s the limit, baby!

Jon has control issues. Yup, like Kate, one has to put their foot down. Down on the show’s throat, baby! Jon has decided that “for the sake of the kids”, he wanted TLC to stop filming, and keep off his grass.

Stop the divorce! When the news are slow, what else does one  do? Why, stop the divorce! At least, that’s what Jon did. Jon boy, you lose 2 points on that bonehead move.

Money. What does an unemployed party animal do when he needs a bit of cash? Why, empty the joint savings account! I mean, don’t ALL families typically have $230,000.00 lying around in an account somewhere? 

Question : would someone who can't spell his own name be smart enough to steal money out of their joint savings account?

I don’t know about you folks, but I’m mighty fed up with seeing them on the cover of every tabloid magazine. In fact, someone even wasted their time doing a Jon and Kate timeline!

What say we celebrate the fact (fingers crossed) that the show will finally be cancelled? I mean, let’s be happy… for the sake of the kids.

I guess that “justice” has been served again.

I don’t know – I’m no judge, but after seeing Plaxico Burress sentenced for 2 years for basically shooting himself in the leg, I’m a bit speechless. I know that the news has repeatedly stated that NY has tough laws around possessing weapons, but convicting Burress with ”Criminal Possession of a Weapon” sounds soooo serious. Hasn’t he been humiliated enough to shoot himself? Don’t celebrities / top athletes usually only get a reprimand, a fine that they can easily afford to pay, and perhaps some community service?

Celebrities are above the law. Some celebrities are repeat DUI offenders – shouldn’t a car be considered a weapon? I mean, what’s the “strike system” for celebrities? 10 strikes? I can only remember two serving some kind of jail time : Kiefer Sutherland and Paris Hilton. But wait – Paris only served 3 days of her sentence, and was allowed to beg her way out for “medical reasons”. Yet, if your name is Lindsay Lohan, as long as you don’t kill anybody with your car (chasing people with your SUV is ok, though), and you’re both drunk and in possession of cocaine, then it’s fine – no jail time for you! Ah… it must be nice having a celebrity vagina.

Never drink and drive ... without your lucky hat

O.J. Simpson. ‘Nuff said.

Drugs are bad, ok? Mr Mackey pretty much sums up what blowhard politicians keep saying about the War on Drugs. I mean, if there’s one thing Americans have learned well, it’s that throwing money at a problem will eventually fix it. The bigger the “problem”, the more money has to be thrown at it. Logical, right Watson? I don’t want to start the whole debate on marijuana decriminalization, but what the heck? One point on the subject : when so many people have smoked pot, or been involved with cannabis in one form or another, including past and present presidents (Washington, Jefferson, Clinton, Obama), should we reconsider marijuana the same way we abolished prohibition? Seems to me if the government took care of growing it (job creation + quality control), selling it (job creation), and taxing it (both income tax money from the new jobs + sales tax on the product), they’d be the ones making the money and putting a lot of drug dealers out of business. They could even take this new revenue and go after the real hard drugs.

Blame terrorists. Once upon a time, someone had to be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Law enforcement officials actually had to collect stuff called evidence in order to incriminate someone. Nowadays, in order to be more “pro-active”, new systems exist where it’s believed that the government monitors all phone calls, email messages, etc for key words. I mean, why would privacy matter if terrorists are all around us? So, next time you kids text your friends with smutty stuff like : I’d like me some of that Paris Hilton lip action, remember: Big Brother is listening.

America is lawsuit crazy. Only in America can you be stupid enough to drive with hot coffee in between your legs while driving, and when the day comes that you finally get burned, you can turn around and sue McDonald’s because their coffee is “defective” (meaning, too hot).

Only in America can someone be stupid enough to plant fingers in a Wendy’s chili, and try to sue the fast food chain. Luckily for us, she was found guilty of making the whole thing up and the tables have been turned on her.

And only in America can you sue yourself. If you want to read on a few more stupid lawsuits, check this out .

Those Canucks up north. America keeps tooting its horn as being the land of the free, but it can’t hold a candle to those crazy Canucks up there. Justice up there often means a fine of 1 sled dog, and perhaps a couple of Saskatchewan seal skins. Sweet. 

Law-Abiding Canadian Citizen

Finally, I’m stuck with trying to find a witty conclusion, so I’ll go straight to the point with a question I’ve been asking myself : 

Had Burress shot BOTH his legs, would he have been sentenced to FOUR years, instead of two?