Nothing like introducing a new strain of killer virus to feel so alive in the morning, right?

Human history has seen its share of actual epidemics/pandemics : the Plague (aka the Black Death/bubonic plague), the Spanish Flu (which also involved a strain of the H1N1 virus), along with bouts of infectious diseases such as tuberculosis and polio. 

I was planning on ranting about the currently popular H1N1, also named “Swine Flu“, and even though this virus can be deadly, I realized that my beef isn’t really with it : after all, its sole purpose is to make as many people sick as possible (pretty much like Paris Hilton’s acting skills), and so far it hasn’t set up a news conference to brag about what a good job it’s been doing.

No, my beef is mostly with an organization that DOES like to scare people : WHO.

The World Health Organization has been wrong once. The past few years, they’ve seemed to enjoy bringing unknown diseases into the media spotlight, and never specifically telling the public not to jump out of windows unnecessarily. No, it’s as though they rather enjoyed telling the public to “not panic, but be vigilant”, while nevertheless adopting a “better safe than sorry” attitude to defend their job. When the SARS story hit the news in 2003, it’s as though their message was : even though it can cause a horrible death, there’s really no need to worry : simply screen passengers in some high-risk areas, and that’s that.

Right. Don’t worry, folks…

The World Health Organization has been wrong twice.  The first few cases of H5N1(ie. Avian Flu) were reported as early as 1996, but in 2007, the director-general wrote that (WHO) ”has strongly advised and supported all countries to develop pandemic preparedness plans”.  So, even though WHO has only confirmed 262 human deaths (as of September 24, 2009) – in the span of about 6 years – it still considers it a pandemic. 

To put this in perspective, the all-knowing Wikipedia states that what we generally consider as being the “regular flu” (influenza) kills an average of 41,400 people each year in the United States.

The World Health Organization has been wrong…thrice? If crying wolf a couple of times didn’t work, what does one do? Cry wolf again!

The soup du jour is H1N1. Aren’t we lucky we’re not living in Canada, where Canadians are so panicked that they’ve waited for HOURS in line-ups to get government-paid vaccines? Sheep, those Canucks!

Well, ok – Canadians can afford waiting in line for hours during a workday. It’s not like they actually have real jobs up there or anything. I mean, most jobs usually require knowing how to count to the number 2.

Picture of the H1N1 thingy - no wonder I sucked in biology class.

The WHO has an agenda. When one reads the aptly named “WHO Agenda“, section 5 (entitled “Enhancing Partnerships”) states : WHO uses the strategic power of evidence to encourage partners implementing programmes within countries to align their activities with best technical guidelines and practices, as well as with the priorities established by countries.

Hmmm…strategic power of evidence…almost sounds like selective release of evidence, doesn’t it?

The WHO likes to hide behind definitions. Alright, if an epidemic means a disease that affects more people than normal/expected, and a pandemic means pretty much the same thing, only that it spreads in a larger area (say, many countries), then yeah : with such very general definitions, you can pretty much call a LOT of things a pandemic. Heck, next time they discover a new virus, I dare them to call it something scary like : Canadianus Baconitis.  

WHO is even boring enough to categorize pandemics in phases. Personally, I prefer the cute colour system of the Homeland Security Advisory System).

The problem I DO have is with the word “pandemic“. It’s a tad too morbid for my taste. I mean, when you can’t fluff up a word with a little humour, you know it’s the perfect stuff to inspire a Hollywood-type doomsday movie. Try saying “Peter Pandemic”. Not really funny,  is it? (well, ok, maybe it’s worth a giggle or a tee-hee. But that’s because I usually find my own jokes as being hilarious).

Some people are asking that WHO revise their definition of the word, but it’s not really in the mood to comply as long as we’re still IN pandemic mode.  

Now why can't everything be as beautiful as a rainbow?

Finally, I like this part they say about themselves :

WHO continues to help all countries respond to the situation. The world cannot let down its guard and WHO must help the world remain and become better prepared.

Ah… WHO’s your daddy?

I really doubt that I have to sum this one up, but for the benefit of anyone who has been in a coma for the last couple of weeks, here goes.  On October 15, a flying saucer-shaped hellium-filled balloon, falsely believed to be containing a six-year old boy, flew over parts of Colorado, remaining airborne for some 50 miles (80 km), before crashing not too far from Denver International Airport.  There you go, all the information you need contained in one sentence, brought to you by my friends, the commas.

Sorry to burst your balloon, people, and here’s a shocker, but the incident was a hoax.  Here are a few reasons why this incident sucks.

The actors. Richard and Mayumi Heene, the Balloon Boy’s parents, met in acting school.  Richard is an amateur scientist, who’s acquaintances have called “a shameless self-promoter who would do almost anything to advance his latest endeavor”.  Taking a page from Paris Hilton’s book, I suppose?

Reality Show. Now, I’ve been exposed to my share of things, or people (you know what I mean), that smelled fishy, but this one reaked as soon as I heard that the boy’s family had appeared on a reality show in the past.  In fact, the family of six-year-old Falcon Heene had been featured twice on Wife Swap as an adventurous family that liked to live on the edge.  According to abc.go.com, the storm-chasing family “are as chaotic as a twister: the kids have no table manners and throw themselves around the house, and while Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help.”  Although they seem to be insinuating that that last part is a bad thing, I have to admit that um, I don’t quite get it.

Parenting obviously isn’t the Heene’s strong suit. Aside from bringing their family on a reality show, Richard and wife Mayumi give out other clues.  For one, chasing storms and UFOs with three young kids between the ages of five an eight seems hardly normal to me.  The poor kids sleep in their clothes, as they have to be ready to go on a moment’s notice.  Richard has also, at one point, expressed his belief that humans (that would be us) are descendants of aliens (that would be Tom Cruise).  Another clue?  How about dragging your child on a television show and having him lie to the point where the kid vomits?

Cash, cash, cash. The New York Post has estimated that the cost of the rescue operation, which involved military helicopters, was about $2 million.  The operation also briefly shut down the Denver International Airport.  $2 million???  Number 2 is going to shit himself when he finds out.  This is money that the US government could have better spent by donating it to Africa.  Bitty time.

The media. For hours, the media reported that a boy was in the balloon.  Yet, their was no indication of such, aside from a report that a sibling had seen the boy climbing inside.  Wow, talk about checking your sources.  Only after it was discovered that the boy was in fact not in the aircraft did the media emphasize that the claims were unverified and possibly a hoax.  This is just another indication of how modern media has become more about entertainment and ratings, and less about reporting facts.

The scope. Apparently, this story generated interest from around the world.  When I heard this at first, I was impressed, but then I got to thinking how Americans have been known to think that their country is the world, so I’m no longer sure what this means.  Come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  The World Series, the NBA’s World Champions.  These are clearly American events.  But I digress…

Cops. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they come for you.  We are brought up to believe that they are the good guy, and their intentions very well might be good, but how stupid can you look?  There are reports that the cops searched the Heene’s house twice, but never found the boy who was hiding in a box in the rafters of the garage.  In all fairness to the cops, I can see how difficult it would be to open a box while you’re holding a coffee in one hand and a donut in the other.  Now, however, the story has changed.  Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden has stated that, for all they know, the boy was maybe not even in the garage’s rafters during the incident.  This is the same man, who, from the start said he was sure that it wasn’t a hoax.  He know says that that statement was a “game plan” to keep the Heene’s trust.  Suuuure.  His latest statement, when commenting Richard Heene’s scientific aspirations, despite only a high school education: “He may be nutty, but he’s not a professor.”  Funny?  Yes.  Professional?  Not so much.

The video. A home video shows Richard inspecting the balloon’s basket prior to takeoff, and then the family counting down in unison before releasing the cord.

The calls. After the balloon had taken off, the Heenes called the Federal Aviation Adminstration (FAA), and then they called KUSA-TV, Denver’s NBC affiliate, requesting that a news helicopter be dispatched.  Only then, did the family call emergency services.  During this call, however, Richard asked: “I don’t know whether it’s possible you guys could detect the electricity that it emits … it emits a million volts on the outer skin.”  Does this sound like a man who believes that his boy in trapped in the balloon?

Sure, one kid is cute. Twins can sometimes be cuter. But eights kids is a pain in the ass, if you ask me.

And in my opinion, a bigger mystery than the Caramilk Secret : why people would want to waste their precious time watching a stupid couple try to corral eight such runts.

Cue the Gosselin Family - it’s time we looked at how they became the, ahum, ”typical” American family.

The Gosselin Family ... all calm after a nice 30 km jog

Once upon a time (October 1997), there was this guy, Jon Gosselin, who met this girl, Kate Kreider, at a company picnic. Which company? I couldn’t find a site that said which one it was, so one could assume that both of them crashed the picnic. Yada yada yada, they married on June 12, 1999. For those math whizzes out there : yes, that’s less than two years in the relationship.

Marrying so soon HAD to be a sign of true love, right?

We know that she’s a nurse, and apparently he was some kind of IT analyst, but it looks as though once he jumped on the gravy train that was the Jon & Kate Plus 8 show, his TV job became his only source of income.

Anywho, what family would be complete without 8 children, right? So, when they first learned that she was having fertility problems, they went for fertility treatments, and they had twin daughters. This wasn’t enough for them, and even though they could have been guaranteed their 3rd child by adopting one, this wasn’t a satisfactory solution either. No, because you see, they knew that a 3-kid family wasn’t going to give them a TV show anytime soon, so they decided to play the “Let’s Go For Another Round of Fertility Treatments”, because we ALL know that with such treatments, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get at least a set of twins, so the more the merrier, right?

So, on May 10, 2004 : sextuplet jackpot! Cha-ching!!!  

Proof that money grows in uteruses

Ah… family bliss. But how can you raise an 8-kid family when both parents want to quit their jobs and stay at home? Hmm…decide which one should make the sacrifice and go back to work? Nah…Take turns working while the other one stays at home? Nah… wait a minute – I’ve got it : get one’s own TV show! Bingo!

I mean, what could guarantee a family never having any more problems by having a TV crew filming you 24/7? Just smile and wave, dear. We can’t let the Joneses know that we’re anything but perfect, right?

Well, other than their public perfection, a few minor issues started appearing:

Kate has control issues. Her own brother has said it. And she doesn’t think custody schedules apply to her. In fact, even Whoopi took Jon’s side on this one. Among the Internet stuff out there, there seems to be a pattern : It’s Kate’s way, or the highway. There are even rumours that she’s estranged to her own parents.

Kate is overbearing. She’s belittled Jon more than a few times, and questions his parenting skills when he doesn’t agree with her. He’s even said she was abusive. I mean, look at those eyes of hers. To have stayed in that home, he’s a brave dude – had he ever ran away to a place like Canada, I wouldn’t have held it against him.

Kate the cheater? Who can say for certain if there was an affair between Kate and her bodyguard, Steve Neild?

Kate believes in spanking. A picture is worth a thousand words. But she doesn’t mind a firm hand in the right direction sometimes…

I told you to clean the garage!

Jon the cheater? Alright, maybe Stephanie Santoro was a sight for sore eyes, but that doesn’t mean it was smart to have an affair with the babysitter! Or was it? Hmmm….when it comes to extramarital sex, nine time’s the limit, baby!

Jon has control issues. Yup, like Kate, one has to put their foot down. Down on the show’s throat, baby! Jon has decided that “for the sake of the kids”, he wanted TLC to stop filming, and keep off his grass.

Stop the divorce! When the news are slow, what else does one  do? Why, stop the divorce! At least, that’s what Jon did. Jon boy, you lose 2 points on that bonehead move.

Money. What does an unemployed party animal do when he needs a bit of cash? Why, empty the joint savings account! I mean, don’t ALL families typically have $230,000.00 lying around in an account somewhere? 

Question : would someone who can't spell his own name be smart enough to steal money out of their joint savings account?

I don’t know about you folks, but I’m mighty fed up with seeing them on the cover of every tabloid magazine. In fact, someone even wasted their time doing a Jon and Kate timeline!

What say we celebrate the fact (fingers crossed) that the show will finally be cancelled? I mean, let’s be happy… for the sake of the kids.

Sculpture entitled Jesus Loves You Too by Frans Smeets

This past weekend, while Canadians were busy stuffing their faces with turkey and pumpkin pie and counting their blessings for their version of Thanksgiving, I was doing quite the opposite.  Instead, I was reflecting on things that have rubbed me the wrong way in 2009.  Of course, there was the Kanye incident.  And then, the Serena incident.  But the thing I was probably most ungrateful for was in fact a double whammy:  a U2 album release and a U2 world tour.  I know I’m treading on thin ice here.  Bad mouthing U2 is like saying bad things about The Beatles.  Their fans, in all their arrogance, just assume that you have to like them.  That they’re the cat’s ass. Here are some ways you too can suck like U2!

Make up a wacky name. Seriously, guys.  It would be cute if you were seven-year-olds playing superheroes on the playground, but as two grown men walking around with names like Bono and The Edge, it’s just plain pathetic.  Apparently, the name Bono comes from a Latin expression meaning “good voice”.  I’m still trying to figure out how that applies to U2’s singer.  As for The Edge, well it’s pretty obvious he got his name because of his cutting edge guitar skills…  NOT!  And don’t get me started on Bono’s alter egos, Mister MacPhisto and The Fly.

Make your own band. It’s easy, really.  The way the story goes, Larry Mullen, Jr. posted a note on his high school’s bulletin board seeking musicians—and I use the term loosely—for a new band.  Bono responded, saying that he could play guitar and sing when he couldn’t.  And when you think about it, he still can’t to this very day.  And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about The Edge for a minute.  When you strip away the layers upon layers of delay and reverb effects, has this guy ever proven that he can actually play the guitar?  So how will Edge’s guitar play out in Rock Band: U2?  Press Red, wait 10 seconds while the effects do their thing, press Yellow, than wait another 10 seconds, …?  I read something interesting in Edge’s Wikipedia article: “The Edge has said that he views musical notes as ‘expensive’, in that he prefers to play as few notes as possible.”  Prefers or just can’t?  There’s a big difference.

Yikes!

Wear foolish sunglasses. Bono reminds me of that dorky father, going through his mid-life crisis, trying to look cool in front of his kids’ friends.  I’ll leave it at that.

Get yourself a few Nobel Peace Prize nominations. Bono got nominated three times for the “prestigious” award.  Oh, sorry, am I supposed to be impressed?  Is this not the same accolade that was given to American President Barack Obama just last week for simply outlining what he planned on doing?  Hmm, an award for people who talk about things but actually don’t get anything done.  Now that’s something!

Get your very own tower! Yes folks, Ireland’s U2 Tower was to originally be completed by 2011, but the global economic crisis thankfully halted that project… for the time being.  Amongst other things, the tower was to contain an egg-shaped pod housing U2’s recording studio, as well as an energy hub containing a large solar panel and wind turbines.  Ah, the possibilities.  I can picture it now, the wind turbines blowing the egg right off the tower, crashing it to the ground.  A previously proposed corkscrew-shaped design would have been more appropriate, seeing how the band is screwing it’s own government out of valuable tax dollars.  And then, Bono will have the nerve to pressure his government to donate money to Africa.  Priceless!  Richard Murphy says it best in an article that appeared on the Bloomberg website: “This is somebody who’s exceptionally rich taking the opportunity to shift his tax burden to somebody else, but then asking governments around the world to spend that tax take in the way that he would like.”

Get an outspoken drummer. An one point or another, the drummer always blows up.  Blame it on an inferiority complex—everyone knows that drummers are not real musicians—or just blame it on the fact that they don’t get as much attention as the vocalist or guitarist of the band, but at one point, they’ll blow up.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be exaggerating a bit here in the case of Larry Mullen, Jr.  But, in a December 2008 article that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph entitled “Larry Mullen: Bono’s friendship with war criminals makes me cringe“, he spoke, and for once in a blue moon, the media listened to what a drummer had to say.

Get a big screen. Men do a lot of things to compensate for a small… well, you know.  Some get a flashy sports car, while others opt for a 50-some-inch plasma television.  Hey, while we’re on the subject of big screens, did you see U2’s setup for their latest tour?  (Do you see what I did there?)  Smoke and mirrors, my friends.  Smoke and mirrors.  According to a post on PerezHilton.com, the stage has cost an estimated $40 million to build (I thought I had read somewhere that there were actually three stages used for the tour), not to mention the crap load of money it will take to transport it from venue to venue, night after night.  The Edge had this to say on the subject: “We’re spending the money on our fans, I don’t think there’s a better thing you could spend it on.”  Um, what about Africa?

Get a strong management team. During these last ten years, U2 have proven that it’s not about reality, it’s about perception.  And you have to hand it to their management team.  They have done a terrific job in creating some buzz around a band that been nothing short of, well, ordinary.  Thankfully, there a few of us wily folks out there who can see past the illusion.

Get an ego. Everyone in the band doesn’t need one, but someone in the band does.  In U2’s case, only Bono has one, but it’s so big that there wouldn’t be enough space for more anyway.  Besides publicly self-proclaiming his band as the “the biggest” and “the best” on multiple occasions, Bono doesn’t stop there when it comes to seeking attention.  Bono’s pride has brought him to fight in the name of Africa (oops, I did it again).  Yes, folks, yet another celebrity cause of the day!  Bono has been pressuring governments to contribute funds to Africa, while his band has been racking up hundreds of thousands in concert revenues from their recent tours.  Apparently, Bono makes it a point not to openly disclose his personal donations to charitable causes.  Pretty convenient, huh?  It’s funny how rich celebrities like to reach into pockets of regular folks.

Be a Number 2. (See video below.)

I forgot to mention the bassist.  Ah, who cares about the bassist anyway?

Oprah is not afraid to play the race card. Move over, Kanye. I think it’s safe to assume that work sucks, and that the majority of us can’t wait to finish our working day and head back home. Well, a store’s closing time doesn’t seem to apply to Oprah – when her Highness isn’t getting the preferential treatment she thinks she deserves, then in her infinite wisdom she MUST conclude that stores like Hermes are discriminating against her because she’s black. She’ll then make sure that her WHOLE audience will hear about it, and eventually get said store to come begging for forgiveness.

Oprah has too much power. If America is the most powerful country in the world, and, at a minimum, Oprah controls half of it – its women – then it follows that she’s the single most powerful being on the planet. Ok, maybe I exaggerate, but the numbers are impressive. And ok, maybe she’s the second most influential person after the Pope, but let’s be honest : who even knows the current Pope’s name? With so big of an audience and with the snap of her fingers, she can just have a busy city block closed down anytime she wants to launch a new season of her TV show. Time Magazine has obviously included her in their Time 100 : The Most Important People of the Century. Because whatever she says does carries a LOT of weight – if she commands her viewers to buy a certain item, then they’ll comply. When she said that she was afraid of eating beef and catching mad cow disease (no snickering at the back of the class), the effect it supposedly had on the beef industry pissed off just enough cattle farmers that they decided on suing the Almighty Oprah herself! Guess who won the case? Oprah, of course! And yes, Oprah : free speech DOES rock.

How to tell a real Oprah picture from a fake? Answer: only genuine Oprah pictures show her mouth open.

The Church of Oprah. What could give a person more power than money? Being a God! Call it Oprahism, the Church of O, or whatever, she’s got her own beliefs about what spirituality is, or should be, and she’ll preach the heck out of it, baby! If you look on her website, you’ll notice that before Health, or Style, or Relationships, etc. the first tabbed subject is SPIRIT. Whether or not you put positive thinking before all, thus creating your own future (shh….that’s The Secret), or focusing on your state of awareness, once again we see that Oprah knows how to make money by being the spiritual guru she fancies herself being.

Is Oprah gay? Typically, I could care less about a person’s sexual orientation. Knowing that someone’s gay or straight is as newsworthy as whether or not another igloo just melted in Canada. But Oprah never really seems to answer this question, and since Oprah is sooooo fascinating, then this is an interesting subject. So here’s what we know : she’s kept Stedman Graham on a leash for a good 20-some years, being embarrassed after the world found out about their engagement in 1992 (which was then cancelled), and, by the looks of it, finally breaking up with him this year. They never married, so no need for a prenup! Sweet! And even if she did publicly announce their breakup, it wouldn’t shock anyone. For years she’s been seen more often hanging around with her very BFF, Gayle King, than with Stedman. Being so close and doing pretty much EVERYTHING together, even Rosie O’Donnell thought that maybe there had to be at least a little bit of lesbian action going on. But, if Oprah was gay, then there must be some valid reason ($$$) why she wouldn’t want to admit it just yet.

Ah...love

Oprah Winfrey, Patron Saint of Charity. Forbes puts Oprah’s fortune at 2.3 billion dollars. And how generous is Oprah? Well, she does occasionally give away free stuff to her TV audience. Wait - I meant to say that she DISTRIBUTES stuff on her shows. Like that time she “gave” a brand new car to each of her audience members. It was later learned that the cars were donated by Pontiac, not Oprah. Those happy audience members then found out they each had to pay about $7000 in taxes to keep the cars. The winner : Oprah and the publicity it gave her for being so generous. Then, she founded the – what else? – Oprah’s Angel Network, which has received more than $80 million in donations – from the public. Another one of her generous ventures : Oprah’s Big Give, where the winner would win $1 million (half to keep to themself, and half to give away to another charity). Sounds nice, but the whole thing was a TV show, meant to do – what else – make Oprah money! And if she DID give $1 million away, no strings attached, that amount would represent about 1/2000th of her whole net worth (in case Forbes is a bit off in their estimate and that she’s only worth $2 billion). To put it this way, suppose you, the reader, were worth a total of $ 200 000. If you gave 1/2000th of your net worth, it’d be the equivalent of $100. Hardly enough to make the national news, right? Not to mention how savvy her accountants probably are at turning her donation money as a tax write-off. Or what about the $40 million (1/50th of her net worth, or the equivalent of $4000 to you) she donated to set up the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls school in South Africa? That was big news, which made her a lot of free publicity, which in turn probably made her some kind of return on her investment. Because that’s what it ultimately is. Her generosity extends to 1) putting her name on something, and 2) making sure the Pay it Forward system is actually a boomerang-back-into-her-pocket system. If Oprah really wanted to wow us, an official and independent news story could come out someday saying that Oprah gave half of her fortune anonymously to different charities. Well, she’d still be a billionaire…

I guess having now opened up myself so much, and being in tune with my inner self (yay for me, Oprah!) I’m starting to feel a little better again. At least until I find new batteries for my pacemaker. However, I will leave this question for future Philosophy 101 classes :

Is there an Oprah in each one of us?

Ooops… sorry Oprah. I never meant to include you in a list with mere single-name mortals.

You see, kids, I was channel-surfing today, and I got to wonder: Can a guy have an Oprah overdose? This was such a BIG question (sorry for the pun, Oprah), that I had to make this rant a two-parter.

Everywhere I turn, Oprah Winfrey’s there. Oprah’s in your face, sucka! She’s got her own TV show, her own magazine, her own book club, her own radio network, her own online store, etc. The next market Oprah will probably aim to dominate : branding her face on every future roll of toilet paper. Because who would you then have to turn to in your moment of need? Oprah!

Guess who's on the cover of this month's Oprah magazine?

Oprah is narcissistic. There’s a running joke that goes : Guess who’s on the cover of this month’s Oprah magazine? You see, everything has to be about Oprah. When she’s not busy crashing weddings (oh joy, honey, we’re so blessed that Oprah crashed OUR wedding and stole some of OUR thunder), she takes the time to interrupt her guests (some of them actual experts in their fields) in order for her to say something that sounds oh-so-wise… And if she’s hosting a concert, she HAS to be on the stage WITH the performers, going as far as filming them with her cell phone. Très cool, Oprah.

Oprah is a rich chick trapped into a fat chick’s body. I know a lot of her fans out there will say that her rags-to-riches story should serve as a role-model to all woman in America, nay, the world, but what lesson does a rich celebrity teach when she can easily afford her own personal trainer, and still end up getting fat again every 6 months? But Oprah knows just how to market her own gluttony and make a pile of money. Step one : dedicate a TV episode / magazine article where she whines about her new state of fatness. Step two : introduce a revolutionary new weight-loss program on another episode. Having trouble keeping track of all the different programs? Don’t worry : Oprah has made it easy to find this information : right on her own webpage! But we’ll just let Oprah keep blaming it on her thyroid gland. 

Oprah has both the Midas Touch and the Medusa’s Gaze. It’s a pretty simple concept : she takes a relative nobody, has them sign a very generous deal (in her favor, of course - after all, she is the promoter), and then makes them an actual somebody! There’s nothing really wrong with that, other than the fact that such deals are like signing away one’s testicles, and that eventually these people might want to have their own INDEPENDENT careers, free of constant Oprah butt-kissing. But screw with her once, though, and watch out.

Dr Phil. One of Oprah’s most famous minions is Dr Phil. She took him under her wing, made him a repeat guest on her show until she decided that she could let him have his own show (of which she would make a good chunk of change). But after he screwed up a few times, including the famous Britney Spears hospital visit, Oprah was apparently far from being impressed with him, and yada yada yada, he then cancelled his planned Britney Spears show. But don’t worry about the tiff between them, folks - Oprah wouldn’t want Dr Phil’s ratings to go down too much and see her investment go bad : they’ve kissed and made up.

Dr Oz. If your first doctor experiment doesn’t succeed – you try again. I only wonder what will eventually happen with Dr Oz and his new show? Who’s betting on a future feud? Anybody?

Rachael Ray. Same thing. After promoting her, it had to eventually turn into a feud. Tip for Oprah : maybe a cat fight would make for good ratings?

James Frey. Oh James, how could you? You wrote a “memoir“  about your druggie years, but did you first tell Oprah it was fluffed a little before the truth was exposed? No you didn’t. So what happened next? The Court of Oprah decreed that you make another appearance on her show, in order for her to publicly unleash her fury at you so that other future Oprah’s Book Club authors would never think twice about embarrassing her again. Don’t worry, though : when she saw you were coming out with a new book (ka-ching!), she “apologized” to you just in time.

How dare you embarass the Oprah? The Oprah is mad! Bow before me, puppet!

David Letterman. When Oprah isn’t too busy having feuds with the “little” people, she goes for bigger names like David Letterman. However, even the Queen of Feuds couldn’t hold a grudge her whole life, and after 16-years, they burried the hatchet. 

Tom Cruise. Couldn’t Oprah edit this show before airing it? Oh well, Tom Cruise’s famous couch-jumping scene made just enough of a news story to make her MORE money with a follow-up show. Shrewd, Oprah. Very shrewd.

Barack Obama. Sorry – President Obama. I don’t envy Oprah for having to decide on whether or not the next president should be America’s first female president - Hillary Clinton, or America’s first black president – Barack Obama. The rumors of exactly who’d she support ran rampant, but in the end, Oprah decided the next president should be Obama.

Click here to read Part 2

Filthy, just like Toronto

As another Major League Baseball regular season draws to an end, so does another disappointing one for the Toronto Blue Jays.  Once again, the Jays failed to qualify for the post season, but should we be surprised?  Here’s but a few reasons why this team sucks more than yo mama.

What’s with the name? The Blue Jays?  Yeah, that’ll scare your opponents.  Actually, baseball as a whole is guilty of stupid bird names—Cardinals, Orioles—or other wimpy names—Sox, Angels, Padres—for their sports teams.  Has anyone ever even seen a blue jay in Toronto?  I doubt if it could survive all the pollution.

The team is based in Toronto. It’s a dirty city, devoid of any culture, soul, or sense of humor, for that matter.  The proof is in the pudding.  In August, after complaints from Torontonians, Molson Coors pulled a billboard campaign that advertised the Coors Light beer brand as “colder than most people from Toronto.”  The truth hurts, people?

They haven’t made it to the post-season since 1993, when they won the World Series. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, 1993 was the year Prince changed his name to a symbol, Nirvana released their album In Utero, and Michael Jordan retired for the first time.  Since then, Prince has reclaimed his name, Kurt Cobain shot himself to death, and Michael Jordan retired another two times.  The Blue Jays, however, never managed better than a second-place finish in their division.

Get the Tee Shirt. No, really. Click on picture to order!

Is summer even long enough in Canada for a baseball season? The first time I heard of the SkyDome, I thought Canadians had just managed to build the world’s biggest igloo.  I kid, I kid.  I’m not that stupid.  Everyone knows that anything significant that’s built in Canada is done by American engineers.

They only have one Canadian on their roster. Pitcher Scott Richmond is the lone Canadian on the Jays’ 40-man roster.  Now, one could make the case that a Canuck isn’t very useful on the baseball diamond anyway, but seriously folks, if you’re the only Canadian team in the majors, you have to make a conscious effort to field more homegrown talent.

J. P. Ricciardi. ‘nough said.

Just like their fans, the players have no class. In all fairness, Alex Ríos no longer plays for the Blue Jays, since he was picked up from waivers in August by the Chicago White Sox.  However, he was still a member of the Jays organization in June when he refused to sign an autograph for a kid, and then proceeded to curse out a bystander who made comments about his poor performance on the field.  Do we have proof?  Of course we do!  That’s YouTube for ya!  I hear that his performance in the bedroom isn’t much either.  I apologize to our female readers, though.  I have no YouTube video to back up this claim.

No player has ever been inducted in the Baseball Hall of Fame with the Blue Jays as their primary team. It just goes to show you how no one wants to be remembered for playing with Toronto.  Interestingly enough, even the Montreal Expos, who were often mocked by Jays fans, are listed as primary team for a Hall of Famer.  Gary Carter, who played for the Expos, the New York Mets, the San Fransisco Giants and the Los Angeles Dodgers throughout his career, was inducted to the Hall of Fame in 2003.

I did find one good thing about the Jays.  Check out this hottie rapping on the subject!

I don’t know – I’m no judge, but after seeing Plaxico Burress sentenced for 2 years for basically shooting himself in the leg, I’m a bit speechless. I know that the news has repeatedly stated that NY has tough laws around possessing weapons, but convicting Burress with ”Criminal Possession of a Weapon” sounds soooo serious. Hasn’t he been humiliated enough to shoot himself? Don’t celebrities / top athletes usually only get a reprimand, a fine that they can easily afford to pay, and perhaps some community service?

Celebrities are above the law. Some celebrities are repeat DUI offenders – shouldn’t a car be considered a weapon? I mean, what’s the “strike system” for celebrities? 10 strikes? I can only remember two serving some kind of jail time : Kiefer Sutherland and Paris Hilton. But wait – Paris only served 3 days of her sentence, and was allowed to beg her way out for “medical reasons”. Yet, if your name is Lindsay Lohan, as long as you don’t kill anybody with your car (chasing people with your SUV is ok, though), and you’re both drunk and in possession of cocaine, then it’s fine – no jail time for you! Ah… it must be nice having a celebrity vagina.

Never drink and drive ... without your lucky hat

O.J. Simpson. ‘Nuff said.

Drugs are bad, ok? Mr Mackey pretty much sums up what blowhard politicians keep saying about the War on Drugs. I mean, if there’s one thing Americans have learned well, it’s that throwing money at a problem will eventually fix it. The bigger the “problem”, the more money has to be thrown at it. Logical, right Watson? I don’t want to start the whole debate on marijuana decriminalization, but what the heck? One point on the subject : when so many people have smoked pot, or been involved with cannabis in one form or another, including past and present presidents (Washington, Jefferson, Clinton, Obama), should we reconsider marijuana the same way we abolished prohibition? Seems to me if the government took care of growing it (job creation + quality control), selling it (job creation), and taxing it (both income tax money from the new jobs + sales tax on the product), they’d be the ones making the money and putting a lot of drug dealers out of business. They could even take this new revenue and go after the real hard drugs.

Blame terrorists. Once upon a time, someone had to be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Law enforcement officials actually had to collect stuff called evidence in order to incriminate someone. Nowadays, in order to be more “pro-active”, new systems exist where it’s believed that the government monitors all phone calls, email messages, etc for key words. I mean, why would privacy matter if terrorists are all around us? So, next time you kids text your friends with smutty stuff like : I’d like me some of that Paris Hilton lip action, remember: Big Brother is listening.

America is lawsuit crazy. Only in America can you be stupid enough to drive with hot coffee in between your legs while driving, and when the day comes that you finally get burned, you can turn around and sue McDonald’s because their coffee is “defective” (meaning, too hot).

Only in America can someone be stupid enough to plant fingers in a Wendy’s chili, and try to sue the fast food chain. Luckily for us, she was found guilty of making the whole thing up and the tables have been turned on her.

And only in America can you sue yourself. If you want to read on a few more stupid lawsuits, check this out .

Those Canucks up north. America keeps tooting its horn as being the land of the free, but it can’t hold a candle to those crazy Canucks up there. Justice up there often means a fine of 1 sled dog, and perhaps a couple of Saskatchewan seal skins. Sweet. 

Law-Abiding Canadian Citizen

Finally, I’m stuck with trying to find a witty conclusion, so I’ll go straight to the point with a question I’ve been asking myself : 

Had Burress shot BOTH his legs, would he have been sentenced to FOUR years, instead of two?

Talk about tooting your own horn (I know, I know, it's not a horn, it's a gra-mo-phone)

The Grammys, the Oscars, the Emmys, the Tonys.  They’re all award shows, but what exactly is being rewarded?  Today, it’s time to reward award shows themselves with a list of why they absolutely suck.

Everybody keeps thanking God. I don’t want to get into whether God exists or not, but let’s say, for the purpose of this post, that he does.  Would he really care for something as trivial as Britney Spears winning a Grammy or Sean Penn winning an Oscar?  Okay, he probably would, because God cares for everyone, but what I mean is, don’t you think that God has bigger issues on his list of priorities than who wins at award shows?   You have to really be into yourself to think that God would rather bless you with the gift of “acting” or “singing”, than help poor innocent children around the world, dying everyday because of war and poverty.

How can one quantify art? And I use the term art very loosely, as several pop songs and Hollywood movies wouldn’t necessarily qualify if I used it in its strict meaning.  Who’s to say that Forrest Gump is a better movie than Dumb & Dumber?  Is it because more people liked the movie?  Or, because more people saw it at the box office?  Maybe it’s just because Forrest Gump had more promotional money backing it up.  Everybody has their own tastes when it comes to movies, music or whatever.  Obviously, people who give out the awards don’t have very good ones.

Kanye West. ‘nough said.

Robot presenters. These people make a living acting in movies, plays or videos, but for some reason, they have their eyes glued to the teleprompter, and they read its contents with the enthusiasm of a robot.  Either that, or they just mess up their lines.

Self promotion. It’s just another way for “artists” to pat themselves on the back and promote their projects further after they have been through the talk-show circuit.

Goody Bags. These stinking rich “artists” are spoiled with free gifts—the stuff that I want, but can’t afford—when they could, and should, be paying for it.  And why are they so rich?  Because I pay my hard-earned cash to watch them lip sync—or stumble—through their live performances.

Hypocrite Celebrities. They spend thousands of dollars on their dresses for the evening, and then they have the balls (figuratively speaking, of course) to ask me to donate my hard earned money to their cause of the day.  Hey, I know.  How about you sell your goody bags on eBay and donate the proceeds from the sale?

After parties. The parties themselves aren’t the problem.  The real problem is that we don’t get to see what goes on there, which would unquestionably be more interesting than what goes on during the award show.

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

As you read through this post, you will notice that I refrain from using the term brassiere.  This is is fact done on purpose, as the term conjures up mental pictures of my half-naked grandmother or any other scantily clad octogenarian.  So, for the sake of my sanity, I’d rather use the more pleasant, shorter term bra.  Sure, I could have opted for other widely-used terms, such as over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, double-barreled slingshot, or flopper stopper, but I’ll stick with bra.

For many years, bras have represented a sort of introduction to the female body for boys across the world.  Little American boys would lock themselves in their rooms or bathrooms—Canadian boys in their little igloos—with the latest Sears catalog’s lingerie section, and proceed to discovering the female body, as well as their very own in the process.  The bra represented a curtain to the unknown.  The birth of a fascination that would last a lifetime.

Today’s generation of young boys do not have the same respect for women because they have skipped this crucial step.  In a fast-paced world of abundant internet pornography and BJ parties, they have avoided paying their dues, thus preventing them from learning to truly appreciate our female counterparts and their form.  However, as much as the bra has represented a sort of rite of passage for so many of us, the fact remains: the bra sucks, and here’s why.

It’s painful. Ahum, at least, that’s what women tell me.  The culprit, in most cases:  the underwire.  But, being the troopers that they are, women are usually willing to live through the pain in the name of fashion.  They do the same for shoes.  Too bad they can’t be more dedicated when it comes to clearing that runway.

It’s dangerous. There have been reports of the underwire in bras being involved in lightning strikes that have caused severe burns and even death.  It’s a wonder that the underwire jockstrap never caught on.  Bras have even been known to cause car accidents!

However, the biggest disappointment when it comes to the bra, is that despite the many years spent improving the bra for women—such as the way it features or enhances their breasts—the fact remains that there have been little to no advancements that have positively impacted men.

For one, the task of removing the bra remains as difficult as it has ever been.  And, as if one hook wasn’t enough to keep a bra fastened, many models have two, or in some cases, even three of them.  Only a magician could get those undone.  Hey ladies, you want to keep your man from snooping in your diary?  Wrap a bra strap around it, he’ll never get to your little secrets.

Just another weekend

Also, the cup size system just doesn’t work.  As far as I’m concerned, the bigger the breasts, the better it is.  Unfortunately, the current cup system is rewarding women for the wrong reasons.  For instance, why is it that those with the smaller breasts are awarded the A cup, while the more endowed ladies get a dismal D.  I propose that we reverse this system.  When it comes to cup size, give the heavy chested blonde girl the A. She deserves it.  And besides, it will probably be the only A she ever gets.  What am I saying, blondes don’t get anything.  I kid, I kid.

Throughout its existence, the bra has evolved to incorporate several features.  They can come with just about as many options as cars that are on the market today.  You have the option of the underwire, the strapless, the push-up, the convertible (yes, the convertible!), the training, the nursing, the cupless, and yes, even a sports model.

And then, there’s the biggest fraud in the history of mankind:  the padded bra. Bolstered with fabric, silicon-gel, or even water, the padded bra can do one of two things:  it can enhance the shape of the breasts, or it can flat out (pun intended) enhance the size of the breasts.  Either way you look at it, the padded bra is just another blatant example of false advertising.  I like to compare the padded bra to that big bag of potato chips you get when you have a man-sized craving for junk food.  You open the bag and you’re frustrated to find that although its size seemed promising, only half of the bag is filled with chips.  A famous quote comes to mind.  Today’s bras are very much “like a box of chocolates:  you never know what you’re going to get.”

From Johnny DeVille, to you, for your enjoyment:

Funny Microsoft XP Commercial
Hoorah for the Bra: A Perky Peek at the History of the Brassiere
Bra: A Thousand Years Of Style, Support & Seduction
BraBall – The Original Patented Bra Washing Ball