Sculpture entitled Jesus Loves You Too by Frans Smeets

This past weekend, while Canadians were busy stuffing their faces with turkey and pumpkin pie and counting their blessings for their version of Thanksgiving, I was doing quite the opposite.  Instead, I was reflecting on things that have rubbed me the wrong way in 2009.  Of course, there was the Kanye incident.  And then, the Serena incident.  But the thing I was probably most ungrateful for was in fact a double whammy:  a U2 album release and a U2 world tour.  I know I’m treading on thin ice here.  Bad mouthing U2 is like saying bad things about The Beatles.  Their fans, in all their arrogance, just assume that you have to like them.  That they’re the cat’s ass. Here are some ways you too can suck like U2!

Make up a wacky name. Seriously, guys.  It would be cute if you were seven-year-olds playing superheroes on the playground, but as two grown men walking around with names like Bono and The Edge, it’s just plain pathetic.  Apparently, the name Bono comes from a Latin expression meaning “good voice”.  I’m still trying to figure out how that applies to U2’s singer.  As for The Edge, well it’s pretty obvious he got his name because of his cutting edge guitar skills…  NOT!  And don’t get me started on Bono’s alter egos, Mister MacPhisto and The Fly.

Make your own band. It’s easy, really.  The way the story goes, Larry Mullen, Jr. posted a note on his high school’s bulletin board seeking musicians—and I use the term loosely—for a new band.  Bono responded, saying that he could play guitar and sing when he couldn’t.  And when you think about it, he still can’t to this very day.  And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about The Edge for a minute.  When you strip away the layers upon layers of delay and reverb effects, has this guy ever proven that he can actually play the guitar?  So how will Edge’s guitar play out in Rock Band: U2?  Press Red, wait 10 seconds while the effects do their thing, press Yellow, than wait another 10 seconds, …?  I read something interesting in Edge’s Wikipedia article: “The Edge has said that he views musical notes as ‘expensive’, in that he prefers to play as few notes as possible.”  Prefers or just can’t?  There’s a big difference.

Yikes!

Wear foolish sunglasses. Bono reminds me of that dorky father, going through his mid-life crisis, trying to look cool in front of his kids’ friends.  I’ll leave it at that.

Get yourself a few Nobel Peace Prize nominations. Bono got nominated three times for the “prestigious” award.  Oh, sorry, am I supposed to be impressed?  Is this not the same accolade that was given to American President Barack Obama just last week for simply outlining what he planned on doing?  Hmm, an award for people who talk about things but actually don’t get anything done.  Now that’s something!

Get your very own tower! Yes folks, Ireland’s U2 Tower was to originally be completed by 2011, but the global economic crisis thankfully halted that project… for the time being.  Amongst other things, the tower was to contain an egg-shaped pod housing U2’s recording studio, as well as an energy hub containing a large solar panel and wind turbines.  Ah, the possibilities.  I can picture it now, the wind turbines blowing the egg right off the tower, crashing it to the ground.  A previously proposed corkscrew-shaped design would have been more appropriate, seeing how the band is screwing it’s own government out of valuable tax dollars.  And then, Bono will have the nerve to pressure his government to donate money to Africa.  Priceless!  Richard Murphy says it best in an article that appeared on the Bloomberg website: “This is somebody who’s exceptionally rich taking the opportunity to shift his tax burden to somebody else, but then asking governments around the world to spend that tax take in the way that he would like.”

Get an outspoken drummer. An one point or another, the drummer always blows up.  Blame it on an inferiority complex—everyone knows that drummers are not real musicians—or just blame it on the fact that they don’t get as much attention as the vocalist or guitarist of the band, but at one point, they’ll blow up.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be exaggerating a bit here in the case of Larry Mullen, Jr.  But, in a December 2008 article that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph entitled “Larry Mullen: Bono’s friendship with war criminals makes me cringe“, he spoke, and for once in a blue moon, the media listened to what a drummer had to say.

Get a big screen. Men do a lot of things to compensate for a small… well, you know.  Some get a flashy sports car, while others opt for a 50-some-inch plasma television.  Hey, while we’re on the subject of big screens, did you see U2’s setup for their latest tour?  (Do you see what I did there?)  Smoke and mirrors, my friends.  Smoke and mirrors.  According to a post on PerezHilton.com, the stage has cost an estimated $40 million to build (I thought I had read somewhere that there were actually three stages used for the tour), not to mention the crap load of money it will take to transport it from venue to venue, night after night.  The Edge had this to say on the subject: “We’re spending the money on our fans, I don’t think there’s a better thing you could spend it on.”  Um, what about Africa?

Get a strong management team. During these last ten years, U2 have proven that it’s not about reality, it’s about perception.  And you have to hand it to their management team.  They have done a terrific job in creating some buzz around a band that been nothing short of, well, ordinary.  Thankfully, there a few of us wily folks out there who can see past the illusion.

Get an ego. Everyone in the band doesn’t need one, but someone in the band does.  In U2’s case, only Bono has one, but it’s so big that there wouldn’t be enough space for more anyway.  Besides publicly self-proclaiming his band as the “the biggest” and “the best” on multiple occasions, Bono doesn’t stop there when it comes to seeking attention.  Bono’s pride has brought him to fight in the name of Africa (oops, I did it again).  Yes, folks, yet another celebrity cause of the day!  Bono has been pressuring governments to contribute funds to Africa, while his band has been racking up hundreds of thousands in concert revenues from their recent tours.  Apparently, Bono makes it a point not to openly disclose his personal donations to charitable causes.  Pretty convenient, huh?  It’s funny how rich celebrities like to reach into pockets of regular folks.

Be a Number 2. (See video below.)

I forgot to mention the bassist.  Ah, who cares about the bassist anyway?

(continued from Part 1)

Oprah is not afraid to play the race card. Move over, Kanye. I think it’s safe to assume that work sucks, and that the majority of us can’t wait to finish our working day and head back home. Well, a store’s closing time doesn’t seem to apply to Oprah – when her Highness isn’t getting the preferential treatment she thinks she deserves, then in her infinite wisdom she MUST conclude that stores like Hermes are discriminating against her because she’s black. She’ll then make sure that her WHOLE audience will hear about it, and eventually get said store to come begging for forgiveness.

Oprah has too much power. If America is the most powerful country in the world, and, at a minimum, Oprah controls half of it – its women – then it follows that she’s the single most powerful being on the planet. Ok, maybe I exaggerate, but the numbers are impressive. And ok, maybe she’s the second most influential person after the Pope, but let’s be honest : who even knows the current Pope’s name? With so big of an audience and with the snap of her fingers, she can just have a busy city block closed down anytime she wants to launch a new season of her TV show. Time Magazine has obviously included her in their Time 100 : The Most Important People of the Century. Because whatever she says does carries a LOT of weight – if she commands her viewers to buy a certain item, then they’ll comply. When she said that she was afraid of eating beef and catching mad cow disease (no snickering at the back of the class), the effect it supposedly had on the beef industry pissed off just enough cattle farmers that they decided on suing the Almighty Oprah herself! Guess who won the case? Oprah, of course! And yes, Oprah : free speech DOES rock.

How to tell a real Oprah picture from a fake? Answer: only genuine Oprah pictures show her mouth open.

The Church of Oprah. What could give a person more power than money? Being a God! Call it Oprahism, the Church of O, or whatever, she’s got her own beliefs about what spirituality is, or should be, and she’ll preach the heck out of it, baby! If you look on her website, you’ll notice that before Health, or Style, or Relationships, etc. the first tabbed subject is SPIRIT. Whether or not you put positive thinking before all, thus creating your own future (shh….that’s The Secret), or focusing on your state of awareness, once again we see that Oprah knows how to make money by being the spiritual guru she fancies herself being.

Is Oprah gay? Typically, I could care less about a person’s sexual orientation. Knowing that someone’s gay or straight is as newsworthy as whether or not another igloo just melted in Canada. But Oprah never really seems to answer this question, and since Oprah is sooooo fascinating, then this is an interesting subject. So here’s what we know : she’s kept Stedman Graham on a leash for a good 20-some years, being embarrassed after the world found out about their engagement in 1992 (which was then cancelled), and, by the looks of it, finally breaking up with him this year. They never married, so no need for a prenup! Sweet! And even if she did publicly announce their breakup, it wouldn’t shock anyone. For years she’s been seen more often hanging around with her very BFF, Gayle King, than with Stedman. Being so close and doing pretty much EVERYTHING together, even Rosie O’Donnell thought that maybe there had to be at least a little bit of lesbian action going on. But, if Oprah was gay, then there must be some valid reason ($$$) why she wouldn’t want to admit it just yet.

Ah...love

Oprah Winfrey, Patron Saint of Charity. Forbes puts Oprah’s fortune at 2.3 billion dollars. And how generous is Oprah? Well, she does occasionally give away free stuff to her TV audience. Wait - I meant to say that she DISTRIBUTES stuff on her shows. Like that time she “gave” a brand new car to each of her audience members. It was later learned that the cars were donated by Pontiac, not Oprah. Those happy audience members then found out they each had to pay about $7000 in taxes to keep the cars. The winner : Oprah and the publicity it gave her for being so generous. Then, she founded the – what else? – Oprah’s Angel Network, which has received more than $80 million in donations – from the public. Another one of her generous ventures : Oprah’s Big Give, where the winner would win $1 million (half to keep to themself, and half to give away to another charity). Sounds nice, but the whole thing was a TV show, meant to do – what else – make Oprah money! And if she DID give $1 million away, no strings attached, that amount would represent about 1/2000th of her whole net worth (in case Forbes is a bit off in their estimate and that she’s only worth $2 billion). To put it this way, suppose you, the reader, were worth a total of $ 200 000. If you gave 1/2000th of your net worth, it’d be the equivalent of $100. Hardly enough to make the national news, right? Not to mention how savvy her accountants probably are at turning her donation money as a tax write-off. Or what about the $40 million (1/50th of her net worth, or the equivalent of $4000 to you) she donated to set up the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls school in South Africa? That was big news, which made her a lot of free publicity, which in turn probably made her some kind of return on her investment. Because that’s what it ultimately is. Her generosity extends to 1) putting her name on something, and 2) making sure the Pay it Forward system is actually a boomerang-back-into-her-pocket system. If Oprah really wanted to wow us, an official and independent news story could come out someday saying that Oprah gave half of her fortune anonymously to different charities. Well, she’d still be a billionaire…

I guess having now opened up myself so much, and being in tune with my inner self (yay for me, Oprah!) I’m starting to feel a little better again. At least until I find new batteries for my pacemaker. However, I will leave this question for future Philosophy 101 classes :

Is there an Oprah in each one of us?

Bono…Sting…Elvis…Cher…Oprah.

Ooops… sorry Oprah. I never meant to include you in a list with mere single-name mortals.

You see, kids, I was channel-surfing today, and I got to wonder: Can a guy have an Oprah overdose? This was such a BIG question (sorry for the pun, Oprah), that I had to make this rant a two-parter.

Everywhere I turn, Oprah Winfrey’s there. Oprah’s in your face, sucka! She’s got her own TV show, her own magazine, her own book club, her own radio network, her own online store, etc. The next market Oprah will probably aim to dominate : branding her face on every future roll of toilet paper. Because who would you then have to turn to in your moment of need? Oprah!

Guess who's on the cover of this month's Oprah magazine?

Oprah is narcissistic. There’s a running joke that goes : Guess who’s on the cover of this month’s Oprah magazine? You see, everything has to be about Oprah. When she’s not busy crashing weddings (oh joy, honey, we’re so blessed that Oprah crashed OUR wedding and stole some of OUR thunder), she takes the time to interrupt her guests (some of them actual experts in their fields) in order for her to say something that sounds oh-so-wise… And if she’s hosting a concert, she HAS to be on the stage WITH the performers, going as far as filming them with her cell phone. Très cool, Oprah.

Oprah is a rich chick trapped into a fat chick’s body. I know a lot of her fans out there will say that her rags-to-riches story should serve as a role-model to all woman in America, nay, the world, but what lesson does a rich celebrity teach when she can easily afford her own personal trainer, and still end up getting fat again every 6 months? But Oprah knows just how to market her own gluttony and make a pile of money. Step one : dedicate a TV episode / magazine article where she whines about her new state of fatness. Step two : introduce a revolutionary new weight-loss program on another episode. Having trouble keeping track of all the different programs? Don’t worry : Oprah has made it easy to find this information : right on her own webpage! But we’ll just let Oprah keep blaming it on her thyroid gland. 

Oprah has both the Midas Touch and the Medusa’s Gaze. It’s a pretty simple concept : she takes a relative nobody, has them sign a very generous deal (in her favor, of course - after all, she is the promoter), and then makes them an actual somebody! There’s nothing really wrong with that, other than the fact that such deals are like signing away one’s testicles, and that eventually these people might want to have their own INDEPENDENT careers, free of constant Oprah butt-kissing. But screw with her once, though, and watch out.

Dr Phil. One of Oprah’s most famous minions is Dr Phil. She took him under her wing, made him a repeat guest on her show until she decided that she could let him have his own show (of which she would make a good chunk of change). But after he screwed up a few times, including the famous Britney Spears hospital visit, Oprah was apparently far from being impressed with him, and yada yada yada, he then cancelled his planned Britney Spears show. But don’t worry about the tiff between them, folks - Oprah wouldn’t want Dr Phil’s ratings to go down too much and see her investment go bad : they’ve kissed and made up.

Dr Oz. If your first doctor experiment doesn’t succeed – you try again. I only wonder what will eventually happen with Dr Oz and his new show? Who’s betting on a future feud? Anybody?

Rachael Ray. Same thing. After promoting her, it had to eventually turn into a feud. Tip for Oprah : maybe a cat fight would make for good ratings?

James Frey. Oh James, how could you? You wrote a “memoir“  about your druggie years, but did you first tell Oprah it was fluffed a little before the truth was exposed? No you didn’t. So what happened next? The Court of Oprah decreed that you make another appearance on her show, in order for her to publicly unleash her fury at you so that other future Oprah’s Book Club authors would never think twice about embarrassing her again. Don’t worry, though : when she saw you were coming out with a new book (ka-ching!), she “apologized” to you just in time.

How dare you embarass the Oprah? The Oprah is mad! Bow before me, puppet!

David Letterman. When Oprah isn’t too busy having feuds with the “little” people, she goes for bigger names like David Letterman. However, even the Queen of Feuds couldn’t hold a grudge her whole life, and after 16-years, they burried the hatchet. 

Tom Cruise. Couldn’t Oprah edit this show before airing it? Oh well, Tom Cruise’s famous couch-jumping scene made just enough of a news story to make her MORE money with a follow-up show. Shrewd, Oprah. Very shrewd.

Barack Obama. Sorry – President Obama. I don’t envy Oprah for having to decide on whether or not the next president should be America’s first female president - Hillary Clinton, or America’s first black president – Barack Obama. The rumors of exactly who’d she support ran rampant, but in the end, Oprah decided the next president should be Obama.

Click here to read Part 2