Talk about tooting your own horn (I know, I know, it's not a horn, it's a gra-mo-phone)

The Grammys, the Oscars, the Emmys, the Tonys.  They’re all award shows, but what exactly is being rewarded?  Today, it’s time to reward award shows themselves with a list of why they absolutely suck.

Everybody keeps thanking God. I don’t want to get into whether God exists or not, but let’s say, for the purpose of this post, that he does.  Would he really care for something as trivial as Britney Spears winning a Grammy or Sean Penn winning an Oscar?  Okay, he probably would, because God cares for everyone, but what I mean is, don’t you think that God has bigger issues on his list of priorities than who wins at award shows?   You have to really be into yourself to think that God would rather bless you with the gift of “acting” or “singing”, than help poor innocent children around the world, dying everyday because of war and poverty.

How can one quantify art? And I use the term art very loosely, as several pop songs and Hollywood movies wouldn’t necessarily qualify if I used it in its strict meaning.  Who’s to say that Forrest Gump is a better movie than Dumb & Dumber?  Is it because more people liked the movie?  Or, because more people saw it at the box office?  Maybe it’s just because Forrest Gump had more promotional money backing it up.  Everybody has their own tastes when it comes to movies, music or whatever.  Obviously, people who give out the awards don’t have very good ones.

Kanye West. ‘nough said.

Robot presenters. These people make a living acting in movies, plays or videos, but for some reason, they have their eyes glued to the teleprompter, and they read its contents with the enthusiasm of a robot.  Either that, or they just mess up their lines.

Self promotion. It’s just another way for “artists” to pat themselves on the back and promote their projects further after they have been through the talk-show circuit.

Goody Bags. These stinking rich “artists” are spoiled with free gifts—the stuff that I want, but can’t afford—when they could, and should, be paying for it.  And why are they so rich?  Because I pay my hard-earned cash to watch them lip sync—or stumble—through their live performances.

Hypocrite Celebrities. They spend thousands of dollars on their dresses for the evening, and then they have the balls (figuratively speaking, of course) to ask me to donate my hard earned money to their cause of the day.  Hey, I know.  How about you sell your goody bags on eBay and donate the proceeds from the sale?

After parties. The parties themselves aren’t the problem.  The real problem is that we don’t get to see what goes on there, which would unquestionably be more interesting than what goes on during the award show.