Yes, I know, it’s old news by now, and everyone’s talked this one to death.  However, we here at WhyThisBlogSucks.com have a duty to report on these types of things.

I really doubt that I have to sum this one up, but for the benefit of anyone who has been in a coma for the last couple of weeks, here goes.  On October 15, a flying saucer-shaped hellium-filled balloon, falsely believed to be containing a six-year old boy, flew over parts of Colorado, remaining airborne for some 50 miles (80 km), before crashing not too far from Denver International Airport.  There you go, all the information you need contained in one sentence, brought to you by my friends, the commas.

Sorry to burst your balloon, people, and here’s a shocker, but the incident was a hoax.  Here are a few reasons why this incident sucks.

The actors. Richard and Mayumi Heene, the Balloon Boy’s parents, met in acting school.  Richard is an amateur scientist, who’s acquaintances have called “a shameless self-promoter who would do almost anything to advance his latest endeavor”.  Taking a page from Paris Hilton’s book, I suppose?

Reality Show. Now, I’ve been exposed to my share of things, or people (you know what I mean), that smelled fishy, but this one reaked as soon as I heard that the boy’s family had appeared on a reality show in the past.  In fact, the family of six-year-old Falcon Heene had been featured twice on Wife Swap as an adventurous family that liked to live on the edge.  According to abc.go.com, the storm-chasing family “are as chaotic as a twister: the kids have no table manners and throw themselves around the house, and while Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help.”  Although they seem to be insinuating that that last part is a bad thing, I have to admit that um, I don’t quite get it.

Parenting obviously isn’t the Heene’s strong suit. Aside from bringing their family on a reality show, Richard and wife Mayumi give out other clues.  For one, chasing storms and UFOs with three young kids between the ages of five an eight seems hardly normal to me.  The poor kids sleep in their clothes, as they have to be ready to go on a moment’s notice.  Richard has also, at one point, expressed his belief that humans (that would be us) are descendants of aliens (that would be Tom Cruise).  Another clue?  How about dragging your child on a television show and having him lie to the point where the kid vomits?

Cash, cash, cash. The New York Post has estimated that the cost of the rescue operation, which involved military helicopters, was about $2 million.  The operation also briefly shut down the Denver International Airport.  $2 million???  Number 2 is going to shit himself when he finds out.  This is money that the US government could have better spent by donating it to Africa.  Bitty time.

The media. For hours, the media reported that a boy was in the balloon.  Yet, their was no indication of such, aside from a report that a sibling had seen the boy climbing inside.  Wow, talk about checking your sources.  Only after it was discovered that the boy was in fact not in the aircraft did the media emphasize that the claims were unverified and possibly a hoax.  This is just another indication of how modern media has become more about entertainment and ratings, and less about reporting facts.

The scope. Apparently, this story generated interest from around the world.  When I heard this at first, I was impressed, but then I got to thinking how Americans have been known to think that their country is the world, so I’m no longer sure what this means.  Come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  The World Series, the NBA’s World Champions.  These are clearly American events.  But I digress…

Cops. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they come for you.  We are brought up to believe that they are the good guy, and their intentions very well might be good, but how stupid can you look?  There are reports that the cops searched the Heene’s house twice, but never found the boy who was hiding in a box in the rafters of the garage.  In all fairness to the cops, I can see how difficult it would be to open a box while you’re holding a coffee in one hand and a donut in the other.  Now, however, the story has changed.  Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden has stated that, for all they know, the boy was maybe not even in the garage’s rafters during the incident.  This is the same man, who, from the start said he was sure that it wasn’t a hoax.  He know says that that statement was a “game plan” to keep the Heene’s trust.  Suuuure.  His latest statement, when commenting Richard Heene’s scientific aspirations, despite only a high school education: “He may be nutty, but he’s not a professor.”  Funny?  Yes.  Professional?  Not so much.

The video. A home video shows Richard inspecting the balloon’s basket prior to takeoff, and then the family counting down in unison before releasing the cord.

The calls. After the balloon had taken off, the Heenes called the Federal Aviation Adminstration (FAA), and then they called KUSA-TV, Denver’s NBC affiliate, requesting that a news helicopter be dispatched.  Only then, did the family call emergency services.  During this call, however, Richard asked: “I don’t know whether it’s possible you guys could detect the electricity that it emits … it emits a million volts on the outer skin.”  Does this sound like a man who believes that his boy in trapped in the balloon?