Yes, I know, it’s old news by now, and everyone’s talked this one to death.  However, we here at WhyThisBlogSucks.com have a duty to report on these types of things.

I really doubt that I have to sum this one up, but for the benefit of anyone who has been in a coma for the last couple of weeks, here goes.  On October 15, a flying saucer-shaped hellium-filled balloon, falsely believed to be containing a six-year old boy, flew over parts of Colorado, remaining airborne for some 50 miles (80 km), before crashing not too far from Denver International Airport.  There you go, all the information you need contained in one sentence, brought to you by my friends, the commas.

Sorry to burst your balloon, people, and here’s a shocker, but the incident was a hoax.  Here are a few reasons why this incident sucks.

The actors. Richard and Mayumi Heene, the Balloon Boy’s parents, met in acting school.  Richard is an amateur scientist, who’s acquaintances have called “a shameless self-promoter who would do almost anything to advance his latest endeavor”.  Taking a page from Paris Hilton’s book, I suppose?

Reality Show. Now, I’ve been exposed to my share of things, or people (you know what I mean), that smelled fishy, but this one reaked as soon as I heard that the boy’s family had appeared on a reality show in the past.  In fact, the family of six-year-old Falcon Heene had been featured twice on Wife Swap as an adventurous family that liked to live on the edge.  According to abc.go.com, the storm-chasing family “are as chaotic as a twister: the kids have no table manners and throw themselves around the house, and while Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help.”  Although they seem to be insinuating that that last part is a bad thing, I have to admit that um, I don’t quite get it.

Parenting obviously isn’t the Heene’s strong suit. Aside from bringing their family on a reality show, Richard and wife Mayumi give out other clues.  For one, chasing storms and UFOs with three young kids between the ages of five an eight seems hardly normal to me.  The poor kids sleep in their clothes, as they have to be ready to go on a moment’s notice.  Richard has also, at one point, expressed his belief that humans (that would be us) are descendants of aliens (that would be Tom Cruise).  Another clue?  How about dragging your child on a television show and having him lie to the point where the kid vomits?

Cash, cash, cash. The New York Post has estimated that the cost of the rescue operation, which involved military helicopters, was about $2 million.  The operation also briefly shut down the Denver International Airport.  $2 million???  Number 2 is going to shit himself when he finds out.  This is money that the US government could have better spent by donating it to Africa.  Bitty time.

The media. For hours, the media reported that a boy was in the balloon.  Yet, their was no indication of such, aside from a report that a sibling had seen the boy climbing inside.  Wow, talk about checking your sources.  Only after it was discovered that the boy was in fact not in the aircraft did the media emphasize that the claims were unverified and possibly a hoax.  This is just another indication of how modern media has become more about entertainment and ratings, and less about reporting facts.

The scope. Apparently, this story generated interest from around the world.  When I heard this at first, I was impressed, but then I got to thinking how Americans have been known to think that their country is the world, so I’m no longer sure what this means.  Come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  The World Series, the NBA’s World Champions.  These are clearly American events.  But I digress…

Cops. Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they come for you.  We are brought up to believe that they are the good guy, and their intentions very well might be good, but how stupid can you look?  There are reports that the cops searched the Heene’s house twice, but never found the boy who was hiding in a box in the rafters of the garage.  In all fairness to the cops, I can see how difficult it would be to open a box while you’re holding a coffee in one hand and a donut in the other.  Now, however, the story has changed.  Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden has stated that, for all they know, the boy was maybe not even in the garage’s rafters during the incident.  This is the same man, who, from the start said he was sure that it wasn’t a hoax.  He know says that that statement was a “game plan” to keep the Heene’s trust.  Suuuure.  His latest statement, when commenting Richard Heene’s scientific aspirations, despite only a high school education: “He may be nutty, but he’s not a professor.”  Funny?  Yes.  Professional?  Not so much.

The video. A home video shows Richard inspecting the balloon’s basket prior to takeoff, and then the family counting down in unison before releasing the cord.

The calls. After the balloon had taken off, the Heenes called the Federal Aviation Adminstration (FAA), and then they called KUSA-TV, Denver’s NBC affiliate, requesting that a news helicopter be dispatched.  Only then, did the family call emergency services.  During this call, however, Richard asked: “I don’t know whether it’s possible you guys could detect the electricity that it emits … it emits a million volts on the outer skin.”  Does this sound like a man who believes that his boy in trapped in the balloon?

Sculpture entitled Jesus Loves You Too by Frans Smeets

This past weekend, while Canadians were busy stuffing their faces with turkey and pumpkin pie and counting their blessings for their version of Thanksgiving, I was doing quite the opposite.  Instead, I was reflecting on things that have rubbed me the wrong way in 2009.  Of course, there was the Kanye incident.  And then, the Serena incident.  But the thing I was probably most ungrateful for was in fact a double whammy:  a U2 album release and a U2 world tour.  I know I’m treading on thin ice here.  Bad mouthing U2 is like saying bad things about The Beatles.  Their fans, in all their arrogance, just assume that you have to like them.  That they’re the cat’s ass. Here are some ways you too can suck like U2!

Make up a wacky name. Seriously, guys.  It would be cute if you were seven-year-olds playing superheroes on the playground, but as two grown men walking around with names like Bono and The Edge, it’s just plain pathetic.  Apparently, the name Bono comes from a Latin expression meaning “good voice”.  I’m still trying to figure out how that applies to U2’s singer.  As for The Edge, well it’s pretty obvious he got his name because of his cutting edge guitar skills…  NOT!  And don’t get me started on Bono’s alter egos, Mister MacPhisto and The Fly.

Make your own band. It’s easy, really.  The way the story goes, Larry Mullen, Jr. posted a note on his high school’s bulletin board seeking musicians—and I use the term loosely—for a new band.  Bono responded, saying that he could play guitar and sing when he couldn’t.  And when you think about it, he still can’t to this very day.  And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about The Edge for a minute.  When you strip away the layers upon layers of delay and reverb effects, has this guy ever proven that he can actually play the guitar?  So how will Edge’s guitar play out in Rock Band: U2?  Press Red, wait 10 seconds while the effects do their thing, press Yellow, than wait another 10 seconds, …?  I read something interesting in Edge’s Wikipedia article: “The Edge has said that he views musical notes as ‘expensive’, in that he prefers to play as few notes as possible.”  Prefers or just can’t?  There’s a big difference.

Yikes!

Wear foolish sunglasses. Bono reminds me of that dorky father, going through his mid-life crisis, trying to look cool in front of his kids’ friends.  I’ll leave it at that.

Get yourself a few Nobel Peace Prize nominations. Bono got nominated three times for the “prestigious” award.  Oh, sorry, am I supposed to be impressed?  Is this not the same accolade that was given to American President Barack Obama just last week for simply outlining what he planned on doing?  Hmm, an award for people who talk about things but actually don’t get anything done.  Now that’s something!

Get your very own tower! Yes folks, Ireland’s U2 Tower was to originally be completed by 2011, but the global economic crisis thankfully halted that project… for the time being.  Amongst other things, the tower was to contain an egg-shaped pod housing U2’s recording studio, as well as an energy hub containing a large solar panel and wind turbines.  Ah, the possibilities.  I can picture it now, the wind turbines blowing the egg right off the tower, crashing it to the ground.  A previously proposed corkscrew-shaped design would have been more appropriate, seeing how the band is screwing it’s own government out of valuable tax dollars.  And then, Bono will have the nerve to pressure his government to donate money to Africa.  Priceless!  Richard Murphy says it best in an article that appeared on the Bloomberg website: “This is somebody who’s exceptionally rich taking the opportunity to shift his tax burden to somebody else, but then asking governments around the world to spend that tax take in the way that he would like.”

Get an outspoken drummer. An one point or another, the drummer always blows up.  Blame it on an inferiority complex—everyone knows that drummers are not real musicians—or just blame it on the fact that they don’t get as much attention as the vocalist or guitarist of the band, but at one point, they’ll blow up.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be exaggerating a bit here in the case of Larry Mullen, Jr.  But, in a December 2008 article that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph entitled “Larry Mullen: Bono’s friendship with war criminals makes me cringe“, he spoke, and for once in a blue moon, the media listened to what a drummer had to say.

Get a big screen. Men do a lot of things to compensate for a small… well, you know.  Some get a flashy sports car, while others opt for a 50-some-inch plasma television.  Hey, while we’re on the subject of big screens, did you see U2’s setup for their latest tour?  (Do you see what I did there?)  Smoke and mirrors, my friends.  Smoke and mirrors.  According to a post on PerezHilton.com, the stage has cost an estimated $40 million to build (I thought I had read somewhere that there were actually three stages used for the tour), not to mention the crap load of money it will take to transport it from venue to venue, night after night.  The Edge had this to say on the subject: “We’re spending the money on our fans, I don’t think there’s a better thing you could spend it on.”  Um, what about Africa?

Get a strong management team. During these last ten years, U2 have proven that it’s not about reality, it’s about perception.  And you have to hand it to their management team.  They have done a terrific job in creating some buzz around a band that been nothing short of, well, ordinary.  Thankfully, there a few of us wily folks out there who can see past the illusion.

Get an ego. Everyone in the band doesn’t need one, but someone in the band does.  In U2’s case, only Bono has one, but it’s so big that there wouldn’t be enough space for more anyway.  Besides publicly self-proclaiming his band as the “the biggest” and “the best” on multiple occasions, Bono doesn’t stop there when it comes to seeking attention.  Bono’s pride has brought him to fight in the name of Africa (oops, I did it again).  Yes, folks, yet another celebrity cause of the day!  Bono has been pressuring governments to contribute funds to Africa, while his band has been racking up hundreds of thousands in concert revenues from their recent tours.  Apparently, Bono makes it a point not to openly disclose his personal donations to charitable causes.  Pretty convenient, huh?  It’s funny how rich celebrities like to reach into pockets of regular folks.

Be a Number 2. (See video below.)

I forgot to mention the bassist.  Ah, who cares about the bassist anyway?