Sculpture entitled Jesus Loves You Too by Frans Smeets

This past weekend, while Canadians were busy stuffing their faces with turkey and pumpkin pie and counting their blessings for their version of Thanksgiving, I was doing quite the opposite.  Instead, I was reflecting on things that have rubbed me the wrong way in 2009.  Of course, there was the Kanye incident.  And then, the Serena incident.  But the thing I was probably most ungrateful for was in fact a double whammy:  a U2 album release and a U2 world tour.  I know I’m treading on thin ice here.  Bad mouthing U2 is like saying bad things about The Beatles.  Their fans, in all their arrogance, just assume that you have to like them.  That they’re the cat’s ass. Here are some ways you too can suck like U2!

Make up a wacky name. Seriously, guys.  It would be cute if you were seven-year-olds playing superheroes on the playground, but as two grown men walking around with names like Bono and The Edge, it’s just plain pathetic.  Apparently, the name Bono comes from a Latin expression meaning “good voice”.  I’m still trying to figure out how that applies to U2’s singer.  As for The Edge, well it’s pretty obvious he got his name because of his cutting edge guitar skills…  NOT!  And don’t get me started on Bono’s alter egos, Mister MacPhisto and The Fly.

Make your own band. It’s easy, really.  The way the story goes, Larry Mullen, Jr. posted a note on his high school’s bulletin board seeking musicians—and I use the term loosely—for a new band.  Bono responded, saying that he could play guitar and sing when he couldn’t.  And when you think about it, he still can’t to this very day.  And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about The Edge for a minute.  When you strip away the layers upon layers of delay and reverb effects, has this guy ever proven that he can actually play the guitar?  So how will Edge’s guitar play out in Rock Band: U2?  Press Red, wait 10 seconds while the effects do their thing, press Yellow, than wait another 10 seconds, …?  I read something interesting in Edge’s Wikipedia article: “The Edge has said that he views musical notes as ‘expensive’, in that he prefers to play as few notes as possible.”  Prefers or just can’t?  There’s a big difference.

Yikes!

Wear foolish sunglasses. Bono reminds me of that dorky father, going through his mid-life crisis, trying to look cool in front of his kids’ friends.  I’ll leave it at that.

Get yourself a few Nobel Peace Prize nominations. Bono got nominated three times for the “prestigious” award.  Oh, sorry, am I supposed to be impressed?  Is this not the same accolade that was given to American President Barack Obama just last week for simply outlining what he planned on doing?  Hmm, an award for people who talk about things but actually don’t get anything done.  Now that’s something!

Get your very own tower! Yes folks, Ireland’s U2 Tower was to originally be completed by 2011, but the global economic crisis thankfully halted that project… for the time being.  Amongst other things, the tower was to contain an egg-shaped pod housing U2’s recording studio, as well as an energy hub containing a large solar panel and wind turbines.  Ah, the possibilities.  I can picture it now, the wind turbines blowing the egg right off the tower, crashing it to the ground.  A previously proposed corkscrew-shaped design would have been more appropriate, seeing how the band is screwing it’s own government out of valuable tax dollars.  And then, Bono will have the nerve to pressure his government to donate money to Africa.  Priceless!  Richard Murphy says it best in an article that appeared on the Bloomberg website: “This is somebody who’s exceptionally rich taking the opportunity to shift his tax burden to somebody else, but then asking governments around the world to spend that tax take in the way that he would like.”

Get an outspoken drummer. An one point or another, the drummer always blows up.  Blame it on an inferiority complex—everyone knows that drummers are not real musicians—or just blame it on the fact that they don’t get as much attention as the vocalist or guitarist of the band, but at one point, they’ll blow up.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be exaggerating a bit here in the case of Larry Mullen, Jr.  But, in a December 2008 article that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph entitled “Larry Mullen: Bono’s friendship with war criminals makes me cringe“, he spoke, and for once in a blue moon, the media listened to what a drummer had to say.

Get a big screen. Men do a lot of things to compensate for a small… well, you know.  Some get a flashy sports car, while others opt for a 50-some-inch plasma television.  Hey, while we’re on the subject of big screens, did you see U2’s setup for their latest tour?  (Do you see what I did there?)  Smoke and mirrors, my friends.  Smoke and mirrors.  According to a post on PerezHilton.com, the stage has cost an estimated $40 million to build (I thought I had read somewhere that there were actually three stages used for the tour), not to mention the crap load of money it will take to transport it from venue to venue, night after night.  The Edge had this to say on the subject: “We’re spending the money on our fans, I don’t think there’s a better thing you could spend it on.”  Um, what about Africa?

Get a strong management team. During these last ten years, U2 have proven that it’s not about reality, it’s about perception.  And you have to hand it to their management team.  They have done a terrific job in creating some buzz around a band that been nothing short of, well, ordinary.  Thankfully, there a few of us wily folks out there who can see past the illusion.

Get an ego. Everyone in the band doesn’t need one, but someone in the band does.  In U2’s case, only Bono has one, but it’s so big that there wouldn’t be enough space for more anyway.  Besides publicly self-proclaiming his band as the “the biggest” and “the best” on multiple occasions, Bono doesn’t stop there when it comes to seeking attention.  Bono’s pride has brought him to fight in the name of Africa (oops, I did it again).  Yes, folks, yet another celebrity cause of the day!  Bono has been pressuring governments to contribute funds to Africa, while his band has been racking up hundreds of thousands in concert revenues from their recent tours.  Apparently, Bono makes it a point not to openly disclose his personal donations to charitable causes.  Pretty convenient, huh?  It’s funny how rich celebrities like to reach into pockets of regular folks.

Be a Number 2. (See video below.)

I forgot to mention the bassist.  Ah, who cares about the bassist anyway?

First, let me say that Serena Williams could kick my ass.  I admit it.  Her biceps are bigger than my thighs.

So when Serena waves her racket towards someone, they usually take notice. It’s hasn’t been officialy confirmed yet, but there’s a general consensus that the petite lineswoman has broken the tip-toe running record. Oh, and not to say that this lineswoman is probably still scared shitless right now, but apparently the USTA isn’t releasing her name.

No clarification on whether or not ESPN meant to say that they’re not releasing the lineswoman’s name to the general public, or just to Serena Williams.

Second, way to be a role-model, Serena. Of course, I don’t condone the obvious racist comments you’ll read if you look below the related You Tube videos. Serena may never have signed on to become an ambassador for black female tennis players, but seeing her threatening – who else – a Japanese lineswoman really encourages all those inbred hicks to come out of the woodworks and post the most obscene racial comments their little minds can come up with.

What happened here shouldn’t be a racial issue. But throw, um, pudding at a fan, and we all know it’s going to be messy.

Third, and this is probably a technical issue – what actually was said? Will we ever really know if Serena “only” threatened to shove her racket down the lineswoman throat, or did she threaten to kill her? The US Open can’t realistically install microphones to cover each square inch of the court. So will the investigation have to interview fans sitting close to the lineswoman? In the end, will the lineswoman admit that while Serena DID only threaten physical harm, she FELT her life was in danger? After all, getting a tennis racket shoved down one’s throat WOULD probably kill someone, right? Yes folks, we’ll have to wait to see the results of the investigation.

Serena Williams Hissing

If Serena plans on being loud and hissy when she plays, she better take lessons from the master himself – John McEnroe. I don’t recall Johnny Mac ever physically threaten an official, but boy oh boy, could he question their competence! Call it what you want – but compared to what Serena said, let’s consider it as “constructive criticsm”. You see, throwing a tennis racket at the ground = ok. Telling a chair umpire that their chair has a higher IQ than them = ok. Clearly telling the official that they suck = acceptable. Threatening them physically = bad.

Oh, alright : a player might still get penalized for “unsportsmanlike conduct” for all of the above. But still, the last one is a worst PR issue nowadays.

The William sisters have often been called drama queens. But just look at the video – even Venus is shocked at Serena’s behavior.

Finally, the apology. Serena is quoted as saying :

I need to make it clear to all young people that I handled myself inappropriately and it’s not the way to act.

Is she being sincere? I guess we’ll just have to wait until her next outburst.